This blog follows our family through a journey of healing and faith after the loss of our twin boys, Joshua and Caleb, at 21 weeks gestation. And watch us as we grow with the birth of three more boys, Case, Ty, and Knox.
Monday, February 16, 2009
One Year Ago Today
I first learned what a miracle babies really were one year ago today...
On January 28th, 2008, I found out I was pregnant. I can't say that my reaction was sheer bliss...it wasn't. It was more... sheer terror. I just didn't think it could happen that quickly. I thought I would have more time to mentally prepare for the fact that Wayne was serious about having babies... he hid my pill. Apparently he is like some fertility expert because his timing was impeccable.
Looking back, it's funny...when I saw that line on the pregnancy test, I ran to him in total fear with tears streaming down my face... I wish I could say they were tears of joy...but only some of them were. I didn't know what to think. The idea of having a baby grew on me just about overnight though. It quickly became the only thing I wanted. I can't explain the feeling of hope having a new life inside of you brings.
I went to the doctor for my annual exam the following week...an appointment that I had scheduled a year before...tell me God didn't know what he was doing. I was really nervous about this exam...somehow I needed the doctor's confirmation that I was really pregnant...I guess the first immediately + test and the second + test (which I took in a KFC bathroom...a whole other posting:-) didn't mean for sure that I was pregnant in my head. I wanted medical confirmation. I remember hearing my doctor cheering in the hallway when the nurse gave her my update. She was really excited for me. I love that about her!!!
The next day I got the call at school confirming that I was indeed pregnant. I was SO excited. They had me go in to make sure my HCG doubled like it should in 48 hours. I went and they called back the next morning at 8:05 am...as all 27 of my 2nd graders were walking in the door...but OF COURSE I answered the call thinking I would only receive good news. She told me that my number had actually dropped and that I was most likely going to have a miscarriage. What a day! I didn't know how I was going to make it. I KNEW I couldn't call Wayne until later...this was just the first of many very difficult phone calls that Wayne's received from me. I made it to lunch and went straight out to my car. I called Wayne and just cried...it was my first real opportunity to just let it out since I had heard the news.
I managed to get through the rest of the day and at the end I told my team of teachers. They were so great! I knew I wouldn't be in the next day because I needed a day to process this. I went for more blood work as they wanted to watch my HCG until it got back down to zero. Well the next HCG went back up...the wrong direction for a simple miscarriage. They thought it was an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I had to go and have an ultrasound immediately because this can be a very dangerous situation. I was so happy to have Wayne by my side through all of this. Brandi, my ultrasound technician, did the ultrasound and rather than seeing a baby in my tubes she saw one safe and sound right where it should be. Everything looked great. I went a week later and the baby actually had a heartbeat...there is nothing more awesome than to hear your baby's heartbeat when it's still inside you. We were so happy! So at this point we had gone from pregnant to having a miscarriage to seeing our baby's heartbeat. It was quite a ride! The doctor assumed that I must have had twins at first but that a phenomenon called vanishing twin had occurred. The remaining baby was expected to be just fine.
The excitement lasted a week or two. Then I had to have another ultrasound... the doctor didn't want to turn me loose just yet because she wanted me to be able to see that heartbeat one more time to put my mind at ease.
February 11th, 2008, Wayne left for Wisconsin for training for his new job. He had a hard time leaving because he knew he would miss the ultrasound on February 13, but he also knew it was the right thing to do. My mom is great and would never dream of sending me on my own... she was also SO excited to see that little baby on the screen, as this was to be her first grandchild.
Well the doctor's office called that day and poor Brandi had the flu and wasn't going to be in, but they wanted me to go ahead and have the ultrasound at the hospital. At first I was just thinking...an ultrasound without Brandi? Really? Well I went, and it proved to be one of the many lessons I learned about why Brandi is the best ultrasound technician there is. The lady that did my ultrasound wouldn't let me watch the screen. Since the baby was so little she had to use an internal ultrasound to see it. After inserting it and looking around, she actually left it in me and left the room. I was like, what in the world is she doing???? My mom told me that she saw her type "no cardiac activity" on the screen. Well that marked the end of that baby. I was devastated! Next came the second difficult phone call to Wayne. I couldn't wait for him to come home, but my mom stayed with me until he did. She is so great! I started bleeding on my own on Friday, February 15th, also the day Wayne got home. Then on February 16th, one year ago today, I "delivered" the baby. I'm not sure what the right term is when the baby is that small but I still knew that's what it was when it happened. It didn't feel like any period I had ever had.
So today marks the birthday of my first baby I guess. My focus has never really been on this baby because my time with it was so short. I think I dealt with this loss by getting pregnant again quickly. By May I knew I was expecting again...this time twins. You can imagine how that was a prayer answered. I guess I just thought it was time to share this baby's story.
Today really marks the end of a year of trials for Wayne and I. Since we know that a baby is a baby the moment that it is conceived, I know that I have at least one more little one that I will meet in Heaven. God has been so good to Wayne and I. We have each other and at least three children that we will meet again someday. One day our family will be complete as we stand in awe of God's grace and wonder. Oh how I long for that day!