Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Case Updates

So I've been a little off on the Case updates lately. We had an appointment today and another one two weeks ago. Two weeks ago we bombarded the doctor with questions because we knew Wayne probably wasn't going to be able to take anymore time off to go with me to the appointments. She was, as usual great! We found out that she will be out of town from October 22-25, with our due date being October 31st that made all of us a little nervous. She said she wouldn't miss this baby being born so she would induce me on the 19th or 20th. I was caught off guard by this and after thinking about it later had some questions about being induced. It scared me a little to mess with the natural process of things. At the same time though, I am not interested in having this baby without my doctor being there. She said she didn't want to miss this anymore than we wanted her to.

Everything looked great at that appointment and we even got to see our little guy in 3D. It was really cool to get an idea of what he will look like. My parents, my grandma, grandpa, and Poppy all went with us to see what technology has done to the baby industry. They were all amazed at what they saw. It was really neat to have them all there.

At that appointment he was still transverse, meaning his butt was under the left side of my rib cage, his head was under the right side of my rib cage and his feet were busy beating up on my bladder :-) He was measuring about a week ahead but his fluid and everything looked great.

Today I saw the doctor again. I had to go without Wayne and that made me a little nervous. I find comfort in him being there with me but understand that he has to be at work and appreciate the flexibility his boss has given him for all the other appointments (of which he let him go to a LOT). I shared my concerns about induction and she said she wouldn't induce me unless I had progressed some one my own. If I haven't then she thinks I'll be fine until she gets back. I guess we are in wait and see mode. She listened to his heartbeat and it sounded perfect. She thinks he has flipped so that he is no longer transverse but is now head down and facing my back with his little feet tucked in front of him. This explains some of the different movements I've been feeling but it also makes it much more difficult for us to pick up his heartbeat on our doppler. I told her there are some days where I worry because I haven't felt him much and other days where he moves quite a bit. She said that if he isn't moving enough to put my mind at ease then I need to come see her and she doesn't care if I'm in there every 5 minutes. I LOVE HER!!! She is very understanding of my fears.

I will go back to see her again in two weeks. At that appointment I will be hooked up to the ETS machine to watch for any contractions. She said she is just doing this to "pick on me" because everything has pointed to being perfect throughout this whole pregnancy. I said "pick away". She'll never have to explain being extra careful to me. I'll take it. She is also going to go ahead and have me do another ultrasound just to verify that Case is in fact head down but she thinks he feels like he is. After all that I will see her again and from then on starts the weekly appointments. I can't believe it! We are getting so close now!

I still feel the nerves creep up on me every now and then but God has given me a lot of comfort through all of this. I think it's most difficult to think of having showers or buying things for him because it all means that I believe he is going to be here safe and sound, which I pray that he is but know that so many things could still go wrong. Wayne and I actually bought him a couple of outfits last weekend. That was a big step for me! Wayne is so much better at keeping his trust in God and not letting his fears take away from the joy that God has given us. He is a great example for me to follow.

Here are some updated belly shots from the past few weeks...

Today we are 34 weeks. Only 6 weeks away from our lives being changed forever. Only 6 weeks away, God willing, from holding our baby boy in our arms, our living, breathing, crying, baby boy.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


Bubby is translated as Grandmother in Yiddish. I hardly think that my oldest cousin was thinking in terms of Yiddish when she lovingly named our grandmother "Bubby." Along with Bubby, my grandfather wasn't forgotten when my cousin handed the names out. He became known as "Poppy". I don't know if that translates to anything outside the world of botany or not but this was his "given" name nonetheless. Bubby and Poppy are my father's parents.

It is amazing to think that those two meeting is what brought about our family. God had a plan the day He crossed their paths. We've been blessed with a wonderful and close family. We don't all live close to one another but nothing more than a 4 hour drive at most separates us. My brother and I are the only grandkids that have been blessed to live fairly close to Bubby and Poppy all along.

We grew up with them playing an integral part in our childhood and as we became adults and we looked around to see so many of our friends without living grandparents we began to understand just how blessed we really were. It was easy to just expect them to be around but the older we got the more of a reality it became that eventually we would have to say goodbye.

Our goodbye to Bubby happened very quickly. In the past she battled breast cancer and beat it like a champ. We knew more recently that there was some other type of cancer but we weren't sure where or how much. She was 89 and really didn't care to know more because she knew it couldn't be treated. We just hoped for the slow growing kind and counted our blessings for each day we had her here with us. She started to feel a lot of pain around the beginning of August. Most of her pain was in her back but it was really bad. Hospice ended up coming in on August 13th to help her maintain the pain. They also gave her a hospital bed, which she loved! She said, "I may just not tell them when I start getting better so that I can keep this bed." She wasn't ready to give up. The next day the medication really took a toll on her but by evening she managed to play a round of bid euchre from bed. The family was called in because we didn't know how much time she had left but we knew it wasn't much.

I was blessed to spend quite a bit of time with her over that week and weekend. I will never forget the first time I really saw her break down when talking to the hospice nurse. She said, "I can't die yet. I have a brand new great grandson and another one on the way." This was hard to hear because at this point I knew the reality was that Case probably wasn't going to get to meet her. She was beginning to shut down. I went in to see her on Saturday morning and she told me she was looking forward to seeing her three great grandbabies in heaven. She said, "I'll take care of Joshua and Caleb!" I loved that she actually included the baby we lost before the boys to a miscarriage. Even I find myself sometimes forgetting that I will not only get to see my boys but there is a third baby that I will one day get to meet.

Bubby passed away peacefully after spending the weekend saying goodbye to each member of our family, on Monday August 17th. She was an amazing woman and I was blessed to have her in my life for 30 years. She gave us so many laughs, many times at her expense but she was always a good sport about it. She'd laugh right along with us. Sometimes we thought perhaps the filter between her brain and her mouth had deteriorated with age but again that just added to who she was and it was something even she laughed at. I think she was surprised at what came out of her own mouth on many occasions.

I will never forget Bubby or the influence she's had on my life. She was a strong woman that truly loved her family. She loved being surrounded by the family and was always at her happiest during the those times.

Poppy is doing really well. I'm very proud of him. He lost a big part of who he was when Bubby died. She was the woman that has slept by his side for 67 years. I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose the person you have spent the majority of your life with. He was a very caring husband and made a life out of taking care of Bubby, especially in the latter years of their marriage. He is enduring each day with a broken heart but he hasn't given up on life. I am amazed and encouraged by his strength!

Thank you, God, for all the time I had with Bubby and I pray that she is surrounded by your love and comfort now and that each day Poppy will find more comfort in knowing that he will one day see Bubby again.

Monday, September 7, 2009

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today I had to say hello and goodbye
The day was wrapped with many questions of "Why?"

One year ago today my boys were silently born
The silence was deafening as my heart became torn

One year ago today only their lifeless bodies remained
No one on earth could leave this tragedy explained

One year ago today my boys went home to be with our Lord
They sit at their birthday table today surrounded by His reward

Joshua and Caleb were born one year ago today. I haven't spent the last few days scurrying around finalizing the details on their first birthday party. I'm not spending the day surrounded by friends and family gathered to watch them eat their first birthday cake. I'm not sitting here wondering how on earth I will get that blue icing washed out of their hair. I don't get to do these things because they came silently into this world but left a great impact behind. Their short lives, although lived entirely within me, taught us so much! They taught us the value of family and taught us to love in a way we never knew. We miss them terribly but are so comforted in knowing that they have already begun their eternity with our Lord and Savior. We have the hope of seeing them again. The day will come when we will be forever reunited as a family in Heaven.

I'm not sure what has been harder. Has it been today or the few days leading up to this day? I will say the tears have come easily lately. It's a difficult position to be in. On one hand I want so badly to be surrounded by family at their first birthday party but if we were I wouldn't be carrying Case today. This is another reason I'm grateful to God's endless power. He made this decision for us because He knows what is best. Everything that has happened over the past year has drawn me SO much closer to God. Looking back I see so many blessings that Joshua and Caleb's short lives have brought. We'll never understand why things turned out the way they did but we will choose to recognize the wonderful friendships, support, appreciation of God's miracles, and the love that have come from Joshua and Caleb's lives.

Today we spent the afternoon at the barn (right next to the cemetery where the boys are buried). It was rainy most of the morning and we thought leaving in early afternoon might be our only opportunity for dry weather, however the rain pretty much stopped for the rest of the day once we got out there. Just another gift that God gave us. My mom and dad came out too. Part of me was dreading walking over to the cemetery even though I've been there so many times before. The sadness was pretty overwhelming this morning but once I got there God gave me comfort and peace. We took the gifts we received in memory of the boys' birthday and took lots of pictures. We decorated with new flowers and birthday balloons.

We received two deliveries this weekend. The first was from my brother and his wife. They sent us some beautiful fall colored flowers with a very touching card attached. They are very supportive and so good to us.

The second delivery was from Summer and Brandon. Summer is another mommy that I met online. We hit it off immediately and have been exchanging emails ever since she lost her little boy, also named Caleb. She clearly has good taste too... that must be one reason we get along so well. We've met in person a couple of times but talk through email and texting a lot. Theirs was an unexpected gift but so touching! I'm so blessed by Summers friendship. She always understands how I'm feeling and gives me so much encouragement through her own thoughts and reminders from scripture.

My mom and dad also brought some beautiful flowers to put on Joshua and Caleb's grave. They were perfect! I had wanted to find a bear to leave for each of them but the dollar store (my boys would expect nothing less from their extremely cheap mommy) didn't have any that I found acceptable so I didn't buy any. As usually though, mom and dad came through. The flowers were perfect and had two perfect little blue bears attached. My parents have been SO amazing throughout this past year. They do so many things to let us know that they remember and are always thinking about Joshua and Caleb. They are amazing grandparents and I can't wait for the days they actually get to watch their grandchildren grow. This year hasn't been easy for them either! They've watched us jump over many of these hurdles and been their to help us with each step, even when it seemed like we couldn't take another one.

After we decorated Joshua and Caleb's grave we had a small cookout and birthday cake. Again my parents didn't seem to think (or at least let on that they thought) any of it was weird.

I'll say that getting over the one year mark is definitely bittersweet. I know the world will remember Joshua and Caleb less and less but I will do all that I can to keep the memory of them alive by helping others. No matter how quickly the world moves on, Wayne and I will never forget these two precious lives that have left us forever changed. We'll never forget the blessings that our faithful Father has given us.