New Job

I guess all those interviews paid off.  I interviewed at this location about 4 times before something worked out.  The funny part is that I interviewed in all different departments but the people were great and just kept passing my resume to the next department until they found a "fit" for me...at least I pray it's a fit!  

It is currently day number two on the  job.  I am working as an "internal customer accounts manager" for PRN Pharmacy.  They are a large pharmacy that is part of the Omnicare group.  They supply medication to nursing homes all over Indiana and surrounding states.  My location, PRN is the hub.  

It is a full-time position, which is the negative, but I get to wear scrubs everyday, which is great!  I guess somehow that balances it out for me :-)  The people are great!  They all seem like a lot of fun.  The job is a bit overwhelming, as any new job is, but it is also the first job I've ever had (with the exception of Fashion Bug and Tractor Supply) where there aren't kids everywhere.  I definitely have a LOT to learn but I'm looking forward to the challenge.  I just keep praying for the wisdom to do the job in a manner that ultimately brings glory to God.  

Thanks for all the prayers for my job search!!!  

Boys' Headstone

While this was not something I would have ever thought I would be posting about, here it is...

We started "shopping" for a headstone for the boys in October.  If you've never shopped for one, I can think of much better ways to spend an afternoon.  We looked at a local place in Lebanon but their pricing was outrageous to say the least and after they called and raised the price on us twice we were done with them.  I started looking on the internet and low and behold it is true...you really can buy anything on the internet!  We ended up purchasing the boys stone from West Memorials.  They make some really neat headstones and the prices are very reasonable.  The shipping is free...that was my biggest concern because I can only imagine how much that could cost.  I will say that their responses in email are slow to non-existent but you can always reach them by phone.  Other than that we were really happy with them.  We had the headstone delivered to my brother's shop, Moss Glass in Anderson, Indiana (let me know if you ever need stained glass or commercial or residential windows...I know a guy...plug, plug).  We knew that way there would be plenty of guys to help lift it off the truck.  Thanks to Ben for letting us have it delivered there and to all the guys that helped move it off the truck!  It was delievered about two weeks after it was ordered and that was in the midst of Thanksgiving.  I was really impressed at how quickly they got it there.  

It is laying on some crates here but it has a base that it will stand up on once we get it installed.  

The downside or upside, depending on how you look at it, is that since we didn't go with the local company we are on our own as far as laying the foundation for it.  I LOVE that Wayne and probably my brother, my dad, his dad, and his step-dad, will be putting the foundation in.  They are the same people that dug the grave.  There is something very special about the loved ones doing that.  We won't be able to actually install it until the ground isn't frozen so it will be a while.  I'm just grateful that we have the headstone and we will get it put out there as soon as we can.  

I have to thank SEVERAL people that made the headstone possible.  My parents, Wayne's Dad and step-mom, his mom and step-dad, and my bubby and poppy (my dad's parents), are the ONLY reason we were able to get what we really wanted for the boys.  We were so touched and grateful to have so much help!!!  Thanks to all of you!!!  We love you!!!!! 

A New Job and an Unexpected Surprise!

As you've read in previous posts, I continue to pray for children and today He answered.  I'm on day two of my new job and was due to start my period today.  Now my period, since I've been charting it, has been every 27 days like clockwork.  Well today it didn't come.  I thought it was strange but with all the changes my body has been through the last few months I thought perhaps it was just another thing about me that was changing.  This evening when I got home from work at 4:45 I thought I better take a test.  I took one...then another about 20 minutes later...yes the fact that I was able to pee on cue only 20 minutes apart should have been my first clue :-)  Here's a pic of the results...

Next I had to decide how to tell Wayne.  He was getting close to home and I wanted to be creative but I didn't have much time.  Since he was just batized on Sunday, I wanted to give him a card to tell him how blessed I was to be there to see him make his public declaration.  On the "p.s." part I put "I'm sorry the boys couldn't be there to see their daddy be baptized but I'm glad their little brother or sister was".  I did my best to secretly video tape him reading this note and here is what I got...

So apparently hidden video's aren't in my future but you get the idea.  

We went out to dinner with my parents tonight.  They called and asked us if we wanted to meet them right after we found out.  I talked myself in and out of telling them about 20 times on the way there.  Luckily we had plenty to talk about with my new job so I was able to keep it a secret.  I want to go to the doctor and make sure everything is ok before I tell them.  As for telling everyone else...We'll call them when they can hear the baby crying in the background:-)

Thanks to everyone who has been praying for us!  God has given us so many blessings.  While there is a part of me that is a little nervous that something might go wrong, I fully trust Him.  He knows better than I what is best.  So I will continue to pray for a healthy baby (or two) and for contentment no matter how this chapter ends.  

A Prayer

I had to share a prayer that a friend sent to me the other day (thanks Sara!).  It goes right along with my previous post.  I guess it was just another reminder from God of where my thinking should be right now and always...  

May today there peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly 

where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite

possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have

received, and pass on the love that

has been given to you.

May you be content.

Let this (HIS)  presence settle into your bones,

and allow your soul the freedom to 

sing, dance, praise and love.  

Contentment

What if I never get pregnant again?  What if Joshua and Caleb are my only children I will ever get to hold?  What if I never get to watch Wayne be the amazing daddy that I know he would be?  What if?  I found the answer to these questions as I was sitting in our bible study last Sunday night.  Now the lesson wasn't mean to answer this question and the answer for me was in more of a passing comment but it was the answer I was looking for.  

Pray for contentment.  I don't know why it never occurred to me to pray for contentment but it didn't.  I keep praying for healthy children that we get to watch grow up, healthy children that grow to bring glory to God, that will be His tools in bringing others to Him.  I had never prayed for contentment though.  

It makes so much more sense to me now; however it isn't an easy prayer to lift up.  Part of me felt like I was giving up on having more children if I prayed for contentment but truly what more can we ask for in life than to be content with who and what we have.  

I always prayed for God's will to be done above mine but I quickly followed that with a prayer for children.  Now, while I still pray that I will have children, I also pray that God will grant me contentment with all the wonderful family and friends, not to mention my amazing husband.  I have SO many wonderful people to be thankful for and so today I pray I can find contentment so that if future children aren't part of His plan, I can still function and not be consumed by my longing to hold my own baby.  

The word "contentment" was a gift from God last weekend.  It helped me to get my thinking right.  I praise God for our amazing pastor, who in the short time that I've known him, has taught me SO much.  

One Year Ago Today

I first learned what a miracle babies really were one year ago today...  

On January 28th, 2008, I found out I was pregnant.  I can't say that my reaction was sheer bliss...it wasn't.  It was more... sheer terror.  I just didn't think it could happen that quickly.  I thought I would have more time to mentally prepare for the fact that Wayne was serious about having babies... he hid my pill.  Apparently he is like some fertility expert because his timing was impeccable.  

Looking back, it's funny...when I saw that line on the pregnancy test, I ran to him in total fear with tears streaming down my face... I wish I could say they were tears of joy...but only some of them were.  I didn't know what to think.  The idea of having a baby grew on me just about overnight though.  It quickly became the only thing I wanted.  I can't explain the feeling of hope having a new life inside of you brings.  

I went to the doctor for my annual exam the following week...an appointment that I had scheduled a year before...tell me God didn't know what he was doing.  I was really nervous about this exam...somehow I needed the doctor's confirmation that I was really pregnant...I guess the first immediately + test and the second + test (which I took in a KFC bathroom...a whole other posting:-) didn't mean for sure that I was pregnant in my head.  I wanted medical confirmation.  I remember hearing my doctor cheering in the hallway when the nurse gave her my update.  She was really excited for me.  I love that about her!!!  

The next day I got the call at school confirming that I was indeed pregnant.  I was SO excited.  They had me go in to make sure my HCG doubled like it should in 48 hours.  I went and they called back the next morning at 8:05 am...as all 27 of my 2nd graders were walking in the door...but OF COURSE I answered the call thinking I would only receive good news.  She told me that my number had actually dropped and that I was most likely going to have a miscarriage.  What a day!  I didn't know how I was going to make it.  I KNEW I couldn't call Wayne until later...this was just the first of many very difficult phone calls that Wayne's received from me.  I made it to lunch and went straight out to my car.  I called Wayne and just cried...it was my first real opportunity to just let it out since I had heard the news.  

I managed to get through the rest of the day and at the end I told my team of teachers.  They were so great!  I knew I wouldn't be in the next day because I needed a day to process this.  I went for more blood work as they wanted to watch my HCG until it got back down to zero.  Well the next HCG went back up...the wrong direction for a simple miscarriage.  They thought it was an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy.  I had to go and have an ultrasound immediately because this can be a very dangerous situation.  I was so happy to have Wayne by my side through all of this.  Brandi, my ultrasound technician, did the ultrasound and rather than seeing a baby in my tubes she saw one safe and sound right where it should be.  Everything looked great.  I went a week later and the baby actually had a heartbeat...there is nothing more awesome than to hear your baby's heartbeat when it's still inside you.  We were so happy!  So at this point we had gone from pregnant to having a miscarriage to seeing our baby's heartbeat.  It was quite a ride!  The doctor assumed that I must have had twins at first but that a phenomenon called vanishing twin had occurred.  The remaining baby was expected to be just fine.  

The excitement lasted a week or two.  Then I had to have another ultrasound... the doctor didn't want to turn me loose just yet because she wanted me to be able to see that heartbeat one more time to put my mind at ease.  

February 11th, 2008, Wayne left for Wisconsin for training for his new job.  He had a hard time leaving because he knew he would miss the ultrasound on February 13, but he also knew it was the right thing to do.  My mom is great and would never dream of sending me on my own... she was also SO excited to see that little baby on the screen, as this was to be her first grandchild.  

Well the doctor's office called that day and poor Brandi had the flu and wasn't going to be in, but they wanted me to go ahead and have the ultrasound at the hospital.  At first I was just thinking...an ultrasound without Brandi?  Really?  Well I went, and it proved to be one of the many lessons I learned about why Brandi is the best ultrasound technician there is.  The lady that did my ultrasound wouldn't let me watch the screen.  Since the baby was so little she had to use an internal ultrasound to see it.  After inserting it and looking around, she actually left it in me and left the room.  I was like, what in the world is she doing????  My mom told me that she saw her type "no cardiac activity" on the screen.  Well that marked the end of that baby.  I was devastated!  Next came the second difficult phone call to Wayne.  I couldn't wait for him to come home, but my mom stayed with me until he did.  She is so great!  I started bleeding on my own on Friday, February 15th, also the day Wayne got home.  Then on February 16th, one year ago today, I "delivered" the baby.  I'm not sure what the right term is when the baby is that small but I still knew that's what it was when it happened.  It didn't feel like any period I had ever had.

So today marks the birthday of my first baby I guess.  My focus has never really been on this baby because my time with it was so short.  I think I dealt with this loss by getting pregnant again quickly.  By May I knew I was expecting again...this time twins.  You can imagine how that was a prayer answered.  I guess I just thought it was time to share this baby's story.  

Today really marks the end of a year of trials for Wayne and I.  Since we know that a baby is a baby the moment that it is conceived, I know that I have at least one more little one that I will meet in Heaven.  God has been so good to Wayne and I.  We have each other and at least three children that we will meet again someday.  One day our family will be complete as we stand in awe of God's grace and wonder.  Oh how I long for that day!  

HSG Results

The doctor's office called to let me know that the HSG came back normal.  I guess that means there was no blockage or anything preventing me from getting pregnant.  Now I am just praying that I'm ovulating on my own and won't have to go on any medication help me ovulate.  I won't know that for a while though. 

Just wanted to share the quick update.

Awkward!

That's really all I can say about the HSG test.  It certainly wasn't my favorite Tuesday morning!  So for all you ladies that are wondering about it keep reading...for all of you that don't like details, you should stop here:-)

First of all the radiology room they put me in didn't have stirrups...now surely you can see why this might be a problem.  So here they expect me to be on the edge of the table (you know the drill scoot down...a little more...a little more) and somehow I must manage to keep my heels on the table holding my legs in place.  Now you can imagine how hard this is.  We aren't talking holding this position for a minute or two.  I'm talking holding it for about 20 minutes or so...if felt like an hour.  This doctor kept telling me to relax my legs and I'm thinking how in the world do you suggest that I relax my legs while trying to keep them on the table???  Besides that this was one of those metal tables so it's not like there was traction or anything.  The doctor mentioned that it was probably difficult to stay in the position with socks on...uh...yeah!  It would be more difficult without because my socks were acting as my make shift stirrups!  Yes, that's right, I was holding the opening of my socks to keep my heels on the table, while relaxing my legs at the sametime.  Seriously...how much could stirrups possible put them out?!?!?  It might be time to invest in some.  

Beyond that, the test wasn't terrible.  It was uncomfortable at times...he obviously wasn't a GYN so there were a few painful moments.  I never really felt too much cramping.  I know some women report a lot of cramping.  I was really fine...perhaps I was just distracted by my numb hands holidng onto my socks for dear life and completely relaxed legs :-)  

The doctor told me that my tubes looked clear but he would look closer at the films and send the report to my doctor.  I guess I will hear from them sometime this week.  I'm praying there is nothing to report.  

If you have questions about this test feel free to email me at bjjohnsto@gmail.com.  I didn't figure it was appropriate to go into too much detail.  Just know that it wasn't too bad.  Sorry if I shared too much information!

Getting Answers

Have I mentioned that I love my doctor?  She's the best...in fact I just love everyone in that office!  I went for my annual girlie exam yesterday.  It's been a while since I've seen my doctor.  It was really nice to see her.  I still have this weird connection with everyone who was involved with my boys, especially those that were there when they were born.  It's a very one sided connection but one none the less.  I guess it's just that they are some of the very few people that truly saw everything that we went through and saw our boys.  Anyway, it was just really nice to see everyone at the doctor's office yesterday.  

Since I've had the go ahead to try to get pregnant for about 3 months now and that hasn't happened, we talked about it yesterday.  The doctor was concerned that I might not be ovulating. I've had positive LH surge tests at home and she said that is usually a good indication of ovulation but not a guarentee.  I'm still breaking out like I'm 13 years old too and she said that could be a sign of a hormonal imbalance so she thought it might be time to get some answers.  She was very proactive yesterday and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!  

The plan is that today I'm having an hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which is a procedure where they can make sure there is no blockage in my tubes.  A posotive side effect of this procedure is that it can clear the tubes of any debris making it easier to get pregnant.  This will be great as long as I'm acutally ovulating.  I will be going in for more blood work in a couple weeks to check my progesterone level, which will tell her if I ovulated or not.  

Beyond that, she also ordered a panel of blood work to check for a blood clotting disorder.  This was my idea...I spend too much time with other moms that have gone through a loss and found out they had clotting disorders. Many of these disorders have an easy fix in pregnancy but without the fix a lot of losses happen.  I just wanted to be sure that wasn't part of the reason I lost the boys.  The doctor didn't think it was a bad idea so she went ahead and ordered it.  She said this along with all the other tests will help us to go into the next pregnancy, God willing, with a lot more information. 

I will be headed out for the HSG test in a little while so for all you ladies that are facing the same test soon, I'll post to let you know how it goes.  From what I read it doesn't sound like any big deal. We'll see.   

The scary part?   I have no idea if insurance is going to pay for these test.  I'm praying they will but there wasn't time to ask those questions.  The HSG can only be done in a very small window of your cycle, which for me happened to be today or tomorrow.  She wanted to do it as soon as possible so that if I don't get pregnant, then next cycle we will have a lot more information and may have to talk about using Clomid to get my ovulation going again.  I guess if insurance doesn't pay our credit cards will be taking a major hit.  I've heard all of this is pretty expensive.