Thursday, March 24, 2011

This is Where I am

Ty is now 1 week old.  This post isn't going to be equipped with lots of fun pictures of him because I haven't figured out how to make time to get them off my camera but they will come in time.  I'm not going to lie and say that I'm living in new mother's bliss right now.  This part is hard for me.  It was hard after the boys, it was hard after Case and it's hard now.  So what's been going on at the Johnston house since our new bundle joined our family?

Case is STILL sick.  It's insane and I am about at my wits end with what to do for him.  We are going on nearly three weeks of him being sick with this cold.  He didn't have a fever until Tuesday morning and then it was 102.3.  We took him to the doctor (this is our second trip for the same cold) and he said it looked like he had an ear infection.  Fine but that doesn't help at all with this terrible coughing that he has that keeps him up at night.  He cries in his sleep.  He's miserable.  I'm hoping the Amoxicilin, Motrin, Tylenol, Delsym combination he is on will start working SOON!  I hate to see him so miserable!

I have the cold also and I can confirm on Case's behalf that the coughing hurts.  I'm pretty sure my body doesn't really have much fight right now between healing from a c-section, not sleeping, and being an emotional mess so who knows when I'll get over this cold.  My OB did give me a z-pack to hopefully prevent it from getting worse or turning into pneumonia.

Wayne is currently fighting off the cold but the congestion has started.  If you're keeping track that's 3 sick Johnston's and only one healthy one.  I'm grateful that so far Ty has been fine because if he gets it then things will take a much more serious turn.  The only thing I feel like I can do to help protect him is breastfeeding.

I'm trying really hard not to quit but I have no idea if my milk is in or what that even looks/feels like.  Ty was exclusively breastfed until the doctor saw his color on Tuesday and had us do another bilirubin level.  It came back at 15.  He said we're getting close to where we need to do something but for now he just wanted me to breastfeed for 20 minutes (half of what I was doing) and give him formula.  It is quite the sucker punch to have no choice but to give him formula but I didn't want his jaundice to get worse.  I'm starting to think breastfeeding just isn't for me.  I thought Ty was doing ok with it because he would always come away satisfied but apparently his body needs the formula.  We started supplementing with formula and the next day his bilirubin level was 13.1 so we were told to keep doing what we're doing.  I'm probably headed for breastfeeding failure yet again but I hope to continue for at least a little longer.

On Tuesday night we got the call that they wanted to show our house the next morning at 9.  This would be our first showing in over 5 months and I said from the get go if someone wanted to buy it the day we got home from the hospital we would make it happen.  So my parents quickly came to help us get it in "show ready" condition or at least as close to that as it can get given our situation at the moment.  

Beyond all of that I'm a mess.  I don't know what it is about the beginning that is SO hard for me but here I sit.  I expected this.  I hoped it would be easier but I expected it.  My husband, just as he was the previous two times, is amazing.  He reminds me that I'm fighting a battle, a hormonal battle.  I hate this battle.  I want to be typing right now about how much I'm in love with my new life with a "2 under 2" membership but I can't.  I've been to other blogs of ladies that had babies within days of me and all I read is the love they are feeling... I want that.  I know it will come.  I know it takes time.  I just wish I could find the fast forward button.  I don't know if I'm the only one that REALLY struggles with this part or not but if there are others please know that you aren't alone.  

I'm clinging to these two scriptures right now and just praying for God's strength to carry me through this battle...
"Surely God is my salvation; 
   I will trust and not be afraid. 
The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; 
   he has become my salvation.”  Isaiah 12:2

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

Please do not misinterpret any of this as being ungrateful.  I'm fully aware of the amazing blessings in my life today.  I look into the eyes of this tiny baby boy and I'm overwhelmed that God chose me.  He chose me to be Ty's mom AND Case's mom.  I'm beyond grateful for this blessing.  I love to just sit and stare at Ty.  I do love him it is just complicated love right now.  My love is being torn and divided and making sure all of that happens equally is overwhelming to me.  I struggled to take the love I had for my husband and make room for Case and yet today I love that little boy and my husband beyond words.  I will figure out how to divide my love this time too... all in God's time.  


Sara, Brian, and our Squad. said...

You're a strong and loving mommy. that's what counts. Hang in there. I hope you all feel better.
Sara :)

Sara said...

You are a fabulous Mom and being a Mom is a hard job. It is the hardest job I have ever had and breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am here if you need anything.

Stephanie said...

Bev, I pray that things get better for you, Case, and Wayne very very soon! In the beginning, maybe 3 weeks, I was just as emotional... I thought my life was turned upside down. I too was failing at the breastfeeding thing, Aaron had to go back to work 3 days after coming home and I didn't want to be was horrible... I'll be praying for your strength and healing! Hang in there <3

MisterLincoln said...

Love ya Beverly and I am praying for healing, strength, and above all else God's abiding everlasting love for your family.

Andrea said...

I went through the same thing. It did't seem real to me a first when we brought sadie home. After Cam, I had horrible PPD and didn't do anything about it. With Sadie they started me on zoloft right away. I hated that i needed th meds but my doc explained to me that not only was i emotional from thehormones, but that since i had a csection, my body didn't get to go through the natural progression of hormones. I was on it for 3 months and it got m through that rough time. That, and tons of prayers. 2 under 2 is HARD. Let me tell you. It takes time, patience and energy you almost never have. You will make your way through it. I promise. Get out of the huse as much as you can. even just to go to your parents. Being around people helps. give me a call or send me a message if you would like to talk. Thats what i needed. You are an amazing momma. Don't beat yourself up about the breast feeding. I was a flunkie twice as well. one out of necessity and the second because my ped told me that being depressed and feeling like a failure about it isn't good for you or baby. She failed herself and has a very healthy little girl. You will do great.

Mandee said...

Bev, just wanted to let you know how wonderful you are.

S. Garrison said...

Bev, You will make it through this because you are so strong and if you can't do it there is no hope for me!

Don't forget to reach out to the group - all of us are here for you and Case and/or Ty can come over any time - sick or not!

We love you so much and are rooting for you!