Merry Christmas Boys

Dear Joshua and Caleb,
Merry Christmas boys! I can remember when I first found out I was expecting you Christmas was one of the first things I thought of. I just remember thinking that I couldn't wait for this Christmas. It was going to be so much different from any other. You were to be the first grandkids on my side of the family and everyone was so excited to meet you. I thought I would either have two very small boys by Christmas or one very large belly. Either way I was ecstatic! Instead I'm just missing you today.

Boys I know that you are having the most amazing Christmas in Heaven. I can't even imagine how wonderful it must be to celebrate with Jesus! I want you to know that even though I'm sad that I don't get to hold you today, I'm so happy for you. With as beautiful as the lights and sounds of Christmas are here, I know you are surrounded with a place so much more beautiful. I praise God everyday because I know you are safe and happy. I pray that one day I will be spending eternity right next to you as we look in awe at our Savior.

Your Grandma and Grandpa gave me a special gift today to help us remember you each Christmas. Grandma is handing down her train set to Daddy and I. She wanted to give us something special to set out each Christmas. It meant so much to me that they remembered you today. They miss you and love you so much.

Boys I hope that you know how much your daddy and I love you too. I can't even put it into words. You are a piece of us that will be missing until the day we are reunited in Heaven.

Merry Christmas boys!

With all my love,
Mommy

A Visit with My Boys

I went to visit my boys at the cemetery today. I've had a little Christmas tree I wanted to put out there for a while but I wanted to finish their stocking before I made the trip. The stocking took longer than I expected. Good thing my boys are safe in God's hands because I feel like I've been neglecting them.

Wayne and I had lunch at Ben's barn and then I still had a little sewing to do before I could hang their stocking. I drove over to the cemetery and sat in the truck in front of their grave while I finished sewing. I guess it was kind of our time together. I would have rather sat on the ground with them but it was BITTER cold here today.

They got a new neighbor. I am so sad every time I see new grave at the cemetery. I just know there is a heartbroken family behind each of the graves and all I can do is pray that those that went ahead of them are with Jesus. The grave that is now next to the boys...or as close as anyone better get to their grave (we have the four plots next to them for Wayne, me, mom, and dad), was beautiful. They have the most beautiful evergreen decorations on it (you'll see a pic of the evergreen cross below). I know there is a lot of love for Mary Ann Brown here.

Here are some pics of the boys grave as it stands today...

Gift Exchange

I have met an incredible group of women on iVillage. There is a forum there for people who have endured the stillbirth of a child. I find great comfort in having a place to go where everyone understands what I'm feeling or at least doesn't think I'm completely off my rocker. We are all at different stages of the grieving process, which is helpful too. We talk a lot about where we've been and where we're headed. These women have become an important part of my life. There is no doubt in my mind that God led me to this place where I can find comfort and hope.

Christmas is difficult for all of us for obvious reasons. Christmas is a time to be with your family and the ones you love but for us our picture is incomplete. We are all missing a part of ourselves this Christmas. One of the moms came up with the idea to do a gift exchange in memory of our babies (Thanks Sara!). It was a fantastic idea and was so much fun to do. The rule was it needed to be something homemade. Needless to say this was right up my alley...I'll never pretend to be good at doing "homemade" but I definitely enjoy it!

So here are some of the gifts I've received so far...

I've received many other gifts too but these were the ones hanging on my Christmas tree. I want to thank all of the girls that participated. It meant the world to me to receive each and every gift. I got so excited every time I saw a package in the mailbox. Thank you for the gifts and more importantly for the friendships! You girls are the best!

Christmas Decorations

So decorating for Christmas was WAY behind in my house this year. I have been so busy (yes I know I'm not working but I'm still very busy...it's just a more fun busy); or at least busy is the reason I've given myself. Perhaps there is a part of me that just wasn't as into it as I have been in the past. Things are just SO much different than I expected they were going to be this Christmas. It is a little bit hard to get into the same merry mood that everyone else is in when you are missing the only children you've ever had.

This Christmas was supposed to be a fun one possibly with babies already here...and if there weren't babies here already it should have been a miserable one but a different kind of miserable. Miserable in the sense that I should have been ginormous with two beautiful baby boys inside me. I shouldn't be sleeping at night due to the constant kicking of my two little boys that were already fighting in the womb. God had other plans for us. I will never pretend to understand His plan but I will choose to accept it. There is a reason my boys aren't with me either in my arms or in my belly. I have learned so much from my boys and I never even got to hear them cry.

With all that said, my Christmas decorating this year is a little lax. I usually start bugging Wayne to take me to the tree farm in Danville the day after Thanksgiving. As of a week ago we still didn't have a tree. I knew we had a small Christmas gathering with our friends that was to be at our house so I thought it only right that we come up with some sort of a tree. So two days before our little Christmas party we went out on a tree hunt. We didn't go through the whole rigmarole at the tree farm though. Instead we went to Menards and bought a live tree. It only stands about 5' tall if that but it is full and very cute. The best part...it only cost us $9.03. It was on sale...I guess because who in their right mind waits this long to buy a tree. I don't know but somehow it seemed very fitting. It only took two strands of lights to cover it. I didn't get all of our ornaments out this year. Instead I hung all of the ornaments that I have for my boys and a few others more as fillers for the tree because it did look a little bare. I am really glad we have a tree now. It does make things seem a little more "Christmasy".

The only other decorating I did was a product of Wayne's Christmas gift to me. He got me an old sewing machine...the kind that folds into a table. Those of you that know me best are probably laughing right now imaging me sewing but I'm totally into it. I'm terrible at it but I'm loving it!!! I've been working on two stockings...one for each of the boys. I finally got those done and I guess then I gave myself permission to do the whole tree thing after that. You'll find pictures of my best attempt at stockings below, along with pictures of our tree.

Answered Prayer

Ok so I'm way behind in posting. I'm going to try to get everything up to date by the end of the week...we'll see:-)

I guess the best news I've received in a while was at a doctor's appointment on 11/20/08. A little background...

In between my most recent pregnancy and the first one, I found out that I have a hyperthyroid...I know...looking at me you would never expect it...I should be skinny or something. Oh well...I guess that was one of the side effects I just wasn't meant to have...bummer! So they watched it fairly closely during my pregnancy with the boys. I was almost required to take drugs to control it but then I leveled out for the most part and they decided it wasn't necessary. After we lost the boys, about 6 weeks out, my OB checked my thyroid again and low and behold it was crazy again. She referred me to an endocrinologist....I wasn't going to the old one that tried to put me on the wrong drug while I was pregnant! I found a new one. He isn't close but he is worth the drive. He immediately did a bunch of bloodwork and ordered a thyroid scan (this is a whole other story). After looking at the bloodwork he had, he pretty much told me that pregnancy wasn't going to be in my near future. He said that I would most likely need to have my thyroid killed using a radioactive method that would require me to go on birth control because I guess radioactivity and pregnancy don't go well together. I was totally bummed after this appointment. He said if we went this route I would probably have to wait a year to even try to get pregnant. He also informed me that the first miscarriage could easily have been caused by my messed up thyroid. I want the best possible outcome next time so I'm willing to do whatever needs to be done.

I had the scan and was scheduled to see him just two weeks later. I spent a lot of time praying that I wouldn't have to wait so long to try again. The doctor seemed surprised by the results at my follow-up appointment. He said looking at the information from the scan he didn't see a reason to kill my thyroid just yet. He said it may be necessary down the road but not yet. He put me on the lowest possible dose of Propylthiouracil (PTU), which is the safest one to use during pregnancy....not that any of them are great. The good news is that it is a low dose and we might have to adjust it later but for now it is a low dose and if I was to get pregnant in the future it shouldn't be harmful to the baby. The best news came next....he gave me the all clear to try again to get pregnant. I couldn't believe it...I went from thinking I was going to have to wait a year to having the go ahead to not wait at all. I was so excited by this news (Wayne was too...LOL). Per OB's orders I still had to wait for two full cycles so it wasn't quite time to try again but it was a least in the foreseeable future. I praise God for this...it was a direct answer to a prayer.

We'll keep you posted on all of this. I go back to see the doctor in January and I'm praying that he will see no need for me to be on the drugs at all. That would be best case scenario. I'm gaining weight pretty easily while on it so I'm kind of convinced that I don't need it....especially with all the holiday food!!!

I've joined the gym and am trying to control it that way but I'm pretty sure it isn't normal. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'm just so grateful to God for leading me to a doctor that was interested in really finding out what was going on with me and even more grateful for the news that we will get to try again sooner!

More to come soon...