The first couple of weeks were hard. I didn't walk away from the hospital with that "I'm totally in love with this new baby" attitude that you see in the movies. That attitude might exist but not in my world. The state of mind I had right after Ty was born was very similar to how I felt right after Case was born but it was complicated by the fact that I had Case at home and I was already totally in love with him. How's that for honesty? Logically I knew my feelings for Ty would grow everyday but clearly my hormones were doing all the talking and feeling for the first couple weeks.
My hormones were complicated even further by breastfeeding (not to even mention the fact that everyone but Ty was sick the first week he was home). What is it about breastfeeding that is SO hard? I mean seriously, this is what my body was made to do and it AGAIN didn't work. We started off much better than Case. Ty would actually end his (at least) 40 minute feedings satisfied. We left the hospital and he was only a little jaundiced but they said it was nothing to worry about. A couple days after we got home we had to take Case to the doctor because he spiked a fever (this was just another blow to the hormones) and had the doc take a look at Ty while we were there. He sent Ty for a heel stick to check his jaundice levels and called me that evening with instructions that we HAD to do at least 1 ounce of formula after each breastfeeding. I was disappointed. I wanted this to work this time and I thought we were doing well. At Ty's one week visit the doctor gave me permission in at least five different languages to quit breastfeeding (let me be clear... he wasn't pressuring me to quit but was trying to make me feel better about the decision). At this point Ty was no longer satisfied with just me... he needed formula to be full. I knew doing both only made things harder and I really didn't think it was an option once I no longer had help. So again I was left to make the decision to quit breastfeeding. My issues with quitting are TOTALLY wrapped up in my pride. God finds teachable moments in some difficult ways for me, perhaps proving my stubbornness time and time again. So I am once again handing in my "Proud to Breastfeed" badge. It was a decision that needed to be made and not dragged out like it was with Case. Just like when I made this decision last time, I started to feel better emotionally almost immediately.
There are a LOT of adjustments that have to happen when there's a new addition to your family. I'm clearly NOT good at change and adjustments. I like routine. I like knowing what to expect on a given day. I know Case. I know what to expect. I'm still getting to know Ty and therefore our routine has entered an adjustment period. The good news is that today (ask me tomorrow and my answer might be different) I feel like we might all actually survive this period.
So here I am turning the corner. We have had SO much help and I can't even begin to explain our gratitude to my parents, especially my mom, who would bend over backwards to do anything they can to help. They are amazing! At the same time though I think I needed to find our new normal, our new routine. I needed to try getting out of the house by myself, while being outnumbered by my kids. I'm sure there will still be many failed attempts to come but I really feel like I am getting there. I'm feeling SO much better and more like myself today. I'm so grateful that it hasn't taken as long this time to start turning this corner. I'm falling more in love with Ty every single day. I'm getting closer and closer to learning how to balance life with both boys. Instead of living each moment totally overwhelmed by "what have we done?" feelings, I'm instead totally overwhelmed by the blessings that are surrounding me. God has done SO many amazing things in my life and while I'm not worthy of any of them, I am so grateful. I have an incredible husband that has proved over and over that he will love me through anything, and God has chosen me to be the mommy of two amazing little boys.
Thank you to everyone who has been there to pray for us throughout my pregnancy and after. Thank you for the meals, the emails, the cards, the gifts, and most of all the friendships. What an awesome support system we have!!!
I will end today's post with a couple of examples of what life in the "2 Under 2" club looks like and you will see why my heart is bursting with gratefulness for this new membership...
* Yes I realize both boys are in their jammies in both of these pictures... we're still figuring out how to get out of our jammies before 2:00! :-)