My Due Date

Well today is my oficial due date.  My boys should be here with me today.  I know they would have most likely come sooner but today marks a day that they should definitely be here.  It doesn't really feel all that much different than any other day.  I still miss my boys like crazy but there is a bit of a more sad undertone to today.  It really marks the end of all of it.  There are no more important dates coming up.  They will have all passed by after today.  From here I guess I just start marking the birth/death anniversary of the boys.  If you asked me 5 months ago if this was something I ever thought I would be doing I would have told you no; however today it seems very much a part of my life.  

Although I feel sadness today, I find myself realizing the extent of all the blessings I have received throughout this loss.  First and foremost, I find my focus to be more on God now than it ever was before.  I will continue to pray that He guides my every step.  I look back at all the people that have been so wonderful to us from the moment we found out we lost the boys right up to today.  I have made A LOT of friends, some on support group boards and some at my support group at the hospital.  I can't tell you what this group of women mean to me.  They all understand and know my feelings.  

I was blessed to have Wayne home with me today.  It was kind of a last minute decision but one that I am really glad he made.  It felt right that we be together today.  We didn't do anything monumentous...we just took it easy.  We did venture out this evening to go to a funny movie though.  It was good to "get away" for a while today. 

I wasn't sure if anyone would remember the due date today but I was once again touched and blessed by the wonderful people in my life.  Many of the girls from the support group remembered, as did my parents, and my brother and his wife.  There were also a few people from church that approached us yesterday to let us know that they would be praying for us today.  I am so appreciative to all the people that remembered the boys today.  

I have to share what my parents did for the boys and for Wayne and I though.  The following is a letter I recieved followed by some photos:

Jan 19, 2009

 

Dear Beverly and Wayne,

 

Dad and I know that today is the special day when Joshua and Caleb were due.  We have both been thinking about how we could remember the boys on this special day. 

 

For the past 4-5 days Dad and I have been walking the beach.  I remembered how happy you were Beverly when you saw the boys names written in the sand in Hawaii.  We wanted to do something special in memory of the boys.  So we have been collecting a special shell.  They are called Giant Heart Cockle shells.  Interestingly enough, when I talked to the park ranger she shared that this shell was a sign of love.  The shell from the side forms the shape of a heart.  Sailors when they wanted to show their love would give this as a gift to their loved ones.  Dad and I have spent several days hand picking each shell to spell out the boys' names in the sand. 

 

So last night at sunset we went to the beach with all of our shells and spelled the boys' names in the sand.  We found what we thought would be the perfect location and set out to remember our boys.  This was the first evening that we had been to the beach and the perfect sunset.  I took lots of pictures and I will share them all with you eventually.  Today I just wanted to share a few of them with you. 

 

Beverly and Wayne I know that today may be difficult and that you miss the boys very much.  Please know that Dad and I have been thinking about this all week and that we also miss our grandsons. 

 

I hope that you enjoy the pictures as much as we enjoyed collecting the shells and placing in the right place on the beach. 

 

We love you both very much,

 

Mom and Dad

I can't tell you what this meant to Wayne and I.  My parents are so amazing!  We are so blessed to have them in our lives!  Thanks Mom and Dad... we love you!