Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Is kindergarten really necessary???


Dear Case,
Tomorrow you start kindergarten and all I can think about tonight is homeschooling and that I probably should have bought some Ben & Jerry's to get through the next 24 hours.

I don't know how it is possible that tomorrow is it.  I feel like my time is up.  Like I am done being your mom.  Like I have to hope that the mom I've been up to this point has been good enough because tomorrow you go out in the world.  You're going to spend more time with someone we don't know than you are with me.  How will I know that you are okay?  What if you forget to wash your hands, or you accidentally pick something you don't like to eat at lunch, or you forget what bus you ride, or someone is mean to you (by the way I will come after them)?  You are going to leave my care at 7:10 in the morning and I'm not going to get you back until 4:10.  WHAT???  That's going to feel like FOREVER!  And then when you get home I'm going to ask you a hundred questions and you're not going to remember the answer to any of them.  Because to you this day is probably not that big of a deal but to me I feel like a third of my job is done.  Yes, logically I know I'll always be your mom but this part?  It was too short.  I didn't do enough or teach you enough or play with you enough or just sit and enjoy you enough.  And now our time is up.  Even if I had 10 more years, it would never be enough.  I don't know why it bothers me so much.  This is what you're supposed to do.  I get to train you and love on you for 5 years and then I have to share you with the world.  Ugh!  The world!  It's terrible and you're about to find out.  For five and a half years I could shelter you from it and protect you from it and now I'm going to throw you out in it.  I hate this feeling.  I hate that this is the end of this chapter.  I hate that I won't have a starring role in the remainder of your chapters.  I hate that I have to share you with people that don't know how awesome you really are.  They'll learn though!

As much as I hate all of this, I know that this is my job.  This is the job that God gave me.  He chose me to be your momma and to prepare you for tomorrow and all the days after it.  He chose me!  What a gift!  What a blessing that He shared you with me but ultimately, somehow, He loves you even more than I do.  Tomorrow my faith is going to have to be more than just words.  It's being put to the one of the biggest tests I've had to date.  My faith in Christ is the ONLY reason I'm going to let you get on that school bus tomorrow.  It's the only reason I'm going to let you spend the longest 8 hours of my life with a bunch of people that we don't know.  And while I know that HE is in total control of every single second, I'm still going to be here with damp eyes and a red nose because I'm sad.  I'm sad that our time is up.  And I'm happy.  I'm happy because you are so excited.  These are the most mixed bag of tears I've ever shed.

I'll be by your side all the way to that school bus tomorrow and I'll be waiting with SO much excitement in that very same spot when you get back.  Do me a favor though, try to remember some things about your day.  This is a big one and your momma really needs to know that it was a good one.  

Tonight when I put you to bed you said, "I'm a little bit scared but I think I'm going to make lots of new friends."  If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that you aren't half as scared as I am but I'll do my best not to let you know that.  I'll be praying for you tomorrow probably most of the day tomorrow because there is absolutely NOTHING else that I can do.  This is where the rubber meets the road.  I pray that tomorrow lives up to every bit of excitement you're feeling tonight.  I pray that you start friendships tomorrow that will last a lifetime.  I pray that your teacher is gentle with you and that you're patient with yourself.  I pray that you remember this is everyone's first day and that you will ask for help when you need it.  Be brave and have fun Case.  I'll be here when you get home!

Love,
Momma

1 comment:

Sara Hubbard said...

Ditto - this was written perfectly. I could just insert Sage's name and those are my thoughts too! Glad we are on this parenting journey together even if it is from afar now.