6 Years

Dear Joshua and Caleb,
6 years.  I can't believe it's been 6 years since that day.  The day we had to say goodbye.  No, not goodbye. Just see you later.   You would have started kindergarten this year.  Kindergarten!  Yet, I can still so easily transport myself back to that day 6 years ago.  The day we met you and lost you all wrapped into one mess of emotions.

I'm pretty sure there is nothing cuter than dressing your identical twins for their first day of kindergarten.  Sorry boys, you for sure would have been in matching outfits.  Even Case and Ty barely escape leaving the house without matching clothes so you can imagine how necessary it would be for my identical twin boys to be dressed identically at all times.  Sidenote:  when the day comes and I get to meet you again in Heaven, I'd appreciate it if you'd be wearing matching outfits.  Just sayin'.

Instead of struggling with which matching outfit to dress you in each day I spend my days caring for your three brothers.  That's right THREE brothers for a total of 5 boys this momma has been blessed with!  God must have known I couldn't handle a girl!  Knox joined our family just 6 weeks ago.  His delivery was a quick reminder of how quickly things could change when I found out his cord was wrapped around his neck three times.  He was perfectly healthy though and I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am because I know others who saw a much different ending to the same beginning.

So today I'm just grateful.  I'm grateful for the time I had with you.  I'm grateful for ALL the lessons you taught me, which certainly didn't stop the day you left us because I am still learning from you today.  I'm grateful that God blessed us with three more healthy boys after you.  Boys that I get to be a momma to every single day.  Boys that need me.  I'm grateful for the direction God took us because I know it was the right direction because it was His direction.  I'm grateful that your forever is with Him because it's exactly where you are supposed to be.

with ALL of my boys

I'm also grateful that this evening we got to slow down and focus on you for a little bit.  You're never far from my thoughts but this evening was about you.  Not just for me but for your brothers, and your daddy, and your Grandma and Grandpa and even your Poppy.  Yes, your 96 year old Poppy sure did walk to your grave this evening.  You boys touched him more than he'd ever say.  When someone asks him (or even when they don't :) how many great grandchildren he has he always says 19 because he ALWAYS includes you in that number.  I can't tell you what that does for my heart!  I guess that's just another example of a life that you touched.

The day began dreary and rainy but by this evening when we got to the cemetery it was perfect in every way. 

The view from your gravesite

Case and Ty love visiting you and they love to pick out things to decorate your headstone.  Today they enjoyed picking out a birthday gift and they went ahead and played with the toys they got you for a little bit before they left them.  You know just to break them in :-)

There were two monster trucks on your headstone today.  We didn't put them there.  Just another example of an anonymous life that you touched and another example of my heart overflowing with gratitude knowing that someone out there takes the time to stop and visit you.  Part of me wishes that I knew who it was so that I could give them a great big hug but the other part of me thinks it's even more special that I don't because I know they are only stopping for you and not for me.  As a momma it is so comforting to know that others are thinking of my babies.

Thank you for today boys.  Thank you for 6 years of learning and 6 years of special relationships with people that I never would have met without you.  Thank you for the lives you've touched and the changes you made in me.  I hope your party today was the best one yet!  I look forward to the day when I can see your sweet faces (and matching outfits:).  Your daddy and I love you and miss you.  See you soon my sweet forever babies!

Love,
Mommy