Breastfeeding Sucks

So here I am on my third attempt to breastfeed, because apparently I'm a slow learner.  What is it about breastfeeding that can make me an absolute CRAZY person?!?!  I just keep thinking that God built a mother's body to do this amazing thing or at least it sounds amazing until you actually try it, at which point you realize this "natural" thing is about as natural as Joan Rivers.  I know there are moms out there that have experienced this "natural" bonding opportunity because I've met a few of them, very few.  Oh and then there's EVERY SINGLE PERSON on all the breastfeeding Facebook sites, who apparently live in La La Land where milk flows freely from nipples everywhere and if it isn't flowing from you then you are obviously doing something wrong and not trying hard enough.  It's amazing how I can ask a simple question on these pages only to find out EVERYTHING I'm doing wrong and not one helpful solution.  My favorite answer to asking for ideas on increasing supply?  Honey, you're baby shouldn't be eating 3 ounces at 2 weeks old.  You're stretching his little stomach by giving him that much.  Really?  Patronizing AND degrading all in the same comment?  Nice work!  No, why don't you come over here and try telling him he's done after just 2 ounces!  I'm pretty sure he'll have his own comments for you.  

Yes, I know breast is best.  Yes, I know I know that breastfeeding is the most natural way to feed your baby.  Yes I know formula will make my baby dumb.  Yes I know formula is only for mom's who don't love their babies.  And yes, I know formula companies are evil and plotting to take over the world.  But seriously, I've tried.  Three times.  I don't mean I put the boob in the mouth once and quit, I mean blistered and bleeding nipples, milk iv hanging over my shoulder, oatmeal at every meal, strangers asking me to pee on their pancakes from all the Fenugreek, tried.  My boobs suck!  And speaking of suck 2 of my 3 boys have been given a suck that puts a commercial grade Dyson to shame.  They're gifted suckers.  I'm not kidding.

I would give just about anything to experience that bond that comes from a successful breastfeeding relationship with my baby but just like the last two times the end is eminent.  "They" say that a newborn can only see from the breast to your face and that's just another reason why breastfeeding is so special.  I've got news for "them"... I can't even see my baby during those times because every part of my body is clenched, including my eyes, because of the pain that comes with this "beautiful" experience.  So no, mom from La La Land, the La Leche League can't help me.  And unless I can get a nipple transplant from Bessie the Milk Cow there is no way my supply will ever be enough.  My baby will always get formula too.

So why is it so hard to quit?  I have two healthy boys.  One got breastmilk for 7 weeks but always with the formula chaser because he was born with the appetite of a 17 year old boy and the other only got it for 2 weeks until he became jaundiced and I realized I just wanted him to be healthy and my breastmilk wasn't doing that for him.  Both are healthy though.  Why can't I just look at them and shut the milk machine down?  I HAVE NO IDEA!  I guess part of it is that I'm just sure Knox will be in the low reading group or be diagnosed with some rare something or other and in my head I'm just going to think, well if I had just breastfed longer...  Not to mention breastfeeding is a WHOLE lot cheaper than formula.  I feel like I need to pick between formula and college.  Oh wait, breastfed babies are smarter so he probably won't need a college fund anyways.  It's ridiculous but this is how my mind works.

And so here I sit looking at the clock and realizing I really need to go pump because Knox is going to be hungry in a minute.  And then 5 minutes from now I'm probably going to be telling myself, it's time to quit.  He's getting 1 ounce of breastmilk and 2 ounces of formula.  Who am I kidding?  This is headed no where but give me another 5 minutes and I'll be pounding the water and Fenugreek again.  So to all the moms out there wrestling with the same decision, you have my permission to quit.  Let it go.  Stop beating yourself up and enjoy your little baby who isn't going to be little for very long.  In a minute he's not going to be a lump of baby curled up on your chest let alone even fit in your lap.  It's fast.  Don't miss it worrying about breastmilk.  Now if someone else could just give me the same advice and convince me to take it that would be amazing but for now I have to go pump.