Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Take 6

I guess it is time to share.  I'm 16 weeks pregnant!  Forgive me for sounding reluctant.  Don't mistake my reluctance for sadness... it's not.  I don't even know if I can put my reluctance into words but I'm going to give it a shot.

This is the 6th time I have been pregnant.  I only have two little boys that I get to love and kiss on each day.  It doesn't take a mathematician to see that my odds aren't so good.  I'm not worried about losing this baby because I know that Wayne and I will be okay no matter what.  God has a plan and I trust it.  What I have trouble with is how to share in the excitement of something when I have no idea if it will actually come to fruition.  I want this baby.  I've wanted all of my babies.  One day I will have all of my babies, assuming (Lord willing) my Case and Ty grow to love and serve the Lord.  I just know things can go wrong.  No, not wrong, just different than I planned.  It may feel wrong in my world but God knows the ending before the beginning.  I don't question His plan.  I trust Him completely.

I want to be one of those people that can just stand up and with all confidence say "I'm going to have another baby!"  I'm not though. I understand how fragile pregnancy is.  I appreciate the understanding that I have because it allows me to look into Case's eyes and Ty's eyes and know how extremely special that opportunity is.  It allows me to feel by body changing during pregnancy and know how incredibly blessed I am.  I guess I am afraid that I will tell you today that I'm pregnant and tomorrow I won't be.  Then what?  Then I see that sympathetic look when people see me and I feel the need to comfort them.  Not because they want me to or expect me to, I just don't know how else to handle it.  It's awkward.  I make it awkward.
So with that warning label ... I'm pregnant!!!  Wayne and I are thrilled, although at times the thought of a baby in our house does make me want to grab a paper bag and hyperventilate.  The beginning is hard and definitely not something I'm good at but what a blessing that God let's me be a momma despite my shortcomings.

Lord willing, another baby will be joining our family at the end of July.  We will find out the gender because anyone who really knows me knows that I am incapable of waiting.  In fact we are only two weeks away from finding out the gender.  I am pretty sure everyone thinks if you have two boys and you get pregnant again it is because you are trying for a little girl.  Not me.  While I have no idea what to do with a girl, I will be perfectly happy with either one.  The thought of a third boy sounds easier to me because I know boys.  The thought of a girl sort of scares the dickens out of me BUT I do think the relationship a mom and daughter have as adults is a special one.  I do want that.  So as I see it, either way things are good.  I just pray for healthy!  And if you are curious as to what we think this baby is, well we haven't even discussed girls names if that tells you anything.  After having four boys, I suspect I am destine to remain the queen of my castle.  It's good to be the queen!

So before my mom accidentally gives it away on Facebook and before Wayne decides to post it and tag me because I keep putting it off, here I am making it official.  Next stop.. Facebook.

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