Three Years Ago

Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua and Caleb

Three Years ago yesterday I got the most devastating news I've ever received.   It is news no parent wants to hear but it was given with such compassion and sympathy by two of the most amazing medical people I've ever met (others entered the picture later in this trial).  In a second I can take myself back there.  It is amazing how something that happened three years ago can so quickly feel like it happened this morning if I let it. Dr. Fenoughty and Brandi told me my twin baby boys no longer had heartbeats.  I can remember saying, "Both of them?" while barely breathing and Dr. Fenoughty saying, "yes."  I can remember feeling my whole world crumble and for a moment my husband was still living as if nothing was wrong.  They offered to call him but I knew that was something I needed to do.  I remember hugging Brandi, while both of us sobbed.  Then in a moment I was back in my truck picking up the phone to make the most difficult phone call I've ever made.  I remember having to repeat myself several times to Wayne... I don't know if he couldn't understand me or if he just didn't believe what was happening.  I remember going home and sitting in our partially done nursery for hours.  I spent a LOT of time in there for the next several months.  I needed to be in there.

Three years ago today I met my twin boys, Joshua and Caleb.  I went to the hospital to be induced and deliver my boys.  It is such a strange feeling walking onto the maternity ward carrying the same things the other women carry when they come to deliver their babies, yet I knew I wasn't leaving with a baby.  You still walk in the same way though.  I stopped at the desk and gave them my name.  This is when the most amazing nurse ever entered the picture.  Mar took us to a room in the corner and never left my side.  Within minutes of meeting her we were both sitting on my bed crying.  Do you know how much someone else's tears can mean when you are in the middle of a crisis?

Joshua was born at 10:04 that night and Caleb came at 10:34.  They were born silent.  Many of my family members still came to the hospital just like the families' of other mom's down the hall, but they came knowing it was the only time they would see my boys.  My breath was taken away over and over as so many people that love us came and met our boys with such love and respect.  This day wasn't all negative.  Mar, Dr. Fenoughty, Bobbi, Martha, and my family showed Wayne and me such compassion and love that I can look back on this day and see not only the pain but the beauty.  God surrounded me with those people.  God gave me a husband that never once questioned the constant tears that flowed.  He gave me a man to stand by my side that had such strength and compassion for me... a man that I only grew closer to throughout this trial.  God gave me blessings on that day.  God knew the ending before it began.  God ordained this.  God has continued to carry me through my life.  He showed me blessing after blessing throughout this trial.  It is SO easy for me to look back and see God's control on this experience!

You can read Joshua and Caleb's complete story here or watch their video here.

Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua and Caleb!  Mommy and Daddy love you just as much today as we did 3 years ago!  We are SO grateful for every moment we had with you... there is not a moment I want to forget!  We love you and miss you and will see you soon!

Yesterday my family was complete.  Wayne, Case, Ty, and I spent some time at the cemetery.  Case, who doesn't easily give up his toys, so kindly set two toys on Joshua and Caleb's headstone.

He also enjoyed climbing all over it... typical Case form.  I'm sure his brothers wouldn't want it any other way!  

We also played in this big open grassy area at the cemetery.  All of this probably sounds so strange and maybe a little morbid to many of you and if I hadn't lived through the past 3 years of my life I would have been right there with you but the cemetery is the only tangible thing we have of our boys.  We live with certainty that our boys are in Heaven and that we will see them again someday but the cemetery is what we have while we are here.  It's ok if you find this strange... in a way I hope you do because that probably means you haven't lost someone that you didn't think you could live without.  For us yesterday was beautiful.

All my boys! 

Our family :)

I can't tell you how my heart wants to burst with joy when I
get to the boys' headstone and find flowers that we didn't
put there.  Someone left these for my boys and I have no
idea who it was but it means the world to me!

I had bought a kite because I thought Case would get a kick out of it and the cemetery has a great open area and the wind was perfect.  Now granted it was a $2 kite but I didn't figure it needed to last long... I just wanted to play with it for the day.  That was A LOT to ask of a $2 kite.  Good thing McGuyver, I mean my husband was there.  One wreath stake (yes the kind that you find sitting at headstones but these were in the trash pile) ,one wreath ribbon, and a couple rocks later... oh and probably an hour or two, Wayne got that kite to fly... for about 15 seconds.  Funny how things can seem like such a good idea in your head!  

Wayne trying so hard to make that kite fly!

Defeated by the $2 kite!

Regardless of whether that kite flew for 15 seconds or 15 minutes the day was perfect and our family was complete!  

Thank you to all of my boys for a beautiful day that I won't forget!  And most of all thank you to God for surrounding me with such amazing blessings!!!