Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Job Stuff

I don't care who the president is, in this world we have to work to survive. I have always worked with kids. It is all I have ever known. For the last 5 years I have been a teacher, 4 of those years I have been a 2nd grade teacher. I work with an amazing group of teachers and I absolutely love my team but losing my boys has changed me. I will never be the same person I was 4 weeks and 5 days ago, when I found out my boys no longer had heartbeats. I don't think anyone can expect me to be that person anymore either.

It has been a very difficult struggle for me to decide whether I would go back to the classroom or not. I had orginially scheduled 3 weeks off and then I extended it to 6. Monday, 10/6/08, I finally made the decision not to go back during this school year. It was an agonizing decision to make, but I feel that is was the right thing to do for me and for my 25 students. I had only been with them for 3 weeks when I lost my boys so I knew that they would still be able to adjust to a new teacher.

It is hard to not think of myself as a teacher because that became part of my identity. I also know though that I couldn't have given those kids what they needed. I don't think it would have been fair for me to go back. I'm sure there is some psychologist out there that would tell you that I am associating my job with the loss of two pregnancies and 3 babies (possibly 4 since they think my first one had a "vanishing twin"). They would be right...I don't think my body is cut out to do a job that is so stressful and be pregnant at the sametime. I couldn't sit down much, I couldn't leave after 8 hours, I took a lot of things home both physcially and emotionally. It is a VERY difficult job! My hat goes off to the women I have talked to that have gone through similar situations as mine and have managed to go back...some just a few weeks later. I just don't have it in me anymore...maybe I will get it back. That is why I opted for a medical leave instead of a resignation. This way I have the option to go back in August but if I get pregnant again I probably won't.

I got the ball rolling for the medial leave on Monday and it has helped me A LOT to finally have a decision in place. The stress of not knowing what I was going to do was really difficult.

Yesterday I went to an interview at a children's hopsital. It sounds like a job I would really enjoy. I would be tutoring in a sort of "teacher's aide" position. I think the 3 interviewers thought it was strange that I would want this job after being a teacher but I tried to assure them that I am ready to just teach and not do any of the other crap that goes with the job. Granted the money isn't much but Wayne and I were ready to go to one income so anything would be helpful. I also know that if I do get pregnant again someday I would be able to leave and go to the doctor without spending hours making sub plans first, and I could possibly work only 4 days each week. It just sounds less stressful. They have a lot of candidates to interview and I am aware that even though I have more than enough qualifications for the job, they may find someone to better fit the position.

With my trust in God, I'm not worrying about it. He doesn't want me to worry:

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

"And who of you by being
worried can add a single hour to his life?

"And why are you
worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,

yet I say to you that not even
Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

"But if God so clothes the
grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

"Do not
worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'

"For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for
your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Matthew 6:25-34 NASB
...So I'm not worrying. This is a struggle for me...I'm a worrier. I think I am getting better though. This trial has tested my relationship with God and I have learned a new trust in Him making it a lot easier to not worry as much. I won't say I NEVER worry because that just isn't true but I am getting better. He is teaching me. And I will tell you He has my attention these days like none other. So with that said, I'm not worried about whether I get the job or not because God will take me where He wants me. Praise God for taking care of this for me!!! If you are struggling with worrying I highly recommend Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. My pastor gave it to me the Sunday after we los the boys and it has be a huge help!
I will keep you posted on the job though.

1 comment:

julie said...

I'm glad that your decision has given you comfort. If you want to talk about working at the children's hospital, I'd be happy to entertain your thoughts. I spent 15 years at Riley right out of nursing school, and I credit much of who I am as a person to my experience there. I just finished reading your story and viewing the beautiful video of the boys. Their pictures are wonderful. I'm so glad that you have those pieces of their lives. I remember the morning I visited you at the hospital, and you were smiling. It was of course just a cover for the intense pain that both you and Wayne were in. Your loss has affected many people, and we all love you so very much and wish there was something we could do or say to help ease the pain. Our Lord is the only one who can help with that, and you already know that. Please know that you and Wayne are in my prayers every day. Much love, aunt julie