I have finally finished the website in memory of Joshua and Caleb. You can read and learn all about them and what they meant to so many people
. It is really long but it is ours. Please let me know if you have any questions. You can leave me a comment here on the blogger or you can email me at
.
It's a long one...but it's ours.
My husband Wayne and I found out we were pregnant at the beginning of May of 2008. We were thrilled; however we were nervous. In Februray of 2008 I had a misscarriage. I was 8 weeks pregnant with that baby after an emotional roller coaster when God decided to take that baby home. It was very sad but we understood that this was something that happened to many people. We knew it didn't affect our chances for a healthy pregnancy the next time. When I saw that my test was positive this time. I was really excited but already counting down the days to get me through the first trimester...you know the "safety zone".
I wanted to surprise Wayne and he wasn't home. I took a picture of the test and when Wayne got home I told him I wanted to show him the pictures from a staff party I had gone to a few days before. He obliged me, as he always does. The last picture of course was of the positive pregnancy test. He was thrilled. He wanted to be a daddy so bad! In fact, he wanted to be a daddy long before I wanted to be a mommy.
From there, we waited. After the previous miscarriage, we were hesitant to tell anyone about this pregnancy. It is very difficult to take it back and heartbreaking to everyone that cares about you. So we waited. We didn't even tell my parents until I was about 8 weeks. We waited through several HCG tests to make sure my number was rising like it was supposed to. We were past the point where we lost that last one and we thought that was a good sign. Plus I knew I couldn't hide it from mom for very long. She has a way of figuring things out. I was so happy to see that they were just as excited as we were and not nervous about the possiblity of another miscarriage at all.
The very next day I had a doctor's appointment for our very first ultrasound. I will never forget this day. I was nervous that something would be wrong but Wayne was trusting God and not worried at all. When Brandy (our favorite ultrasound technician) did the ultrasound she said, "well here is the baby and here is its heartbeat...and here is the OTHER baby and its heartbeat." The look on Wayne's face was priceless...he was the proudest papa anywhere. Wayne had been praying for twins. We were just so thankful! Dr. Fenoughty (our favorite doctor) hugged me when we got to her room. She was very excited. I couldn't wait to tell everyone!
Once we got near the end of the first trimester my brother and his wife, Ben and Courtney, ordered a heart dopper so that we could hear the babies at home anytime we got nervous. I was so appreciative of this gift! They knew I would be unbearable to be around because of my constant worrying without it. It was a blessing to have this. I tried not to use it too much but I would say about once each week we got it out. I have to believe the only sound that is better than your child's heartbeat is hearing them cry when they come into this world.
Now we knew twins were higher risk than singletons but we had God on our side and we thought everything would be fine. The only complication we faced was my out of whack hyperthyroid but after seeing two doctors everyone was convinced this was just from carrying two babies. We prayed that I wouldn't have to start any medication while I was pregnant and God answered. The one time my Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor (basically just a high risk OB) mentioned starting medicine she did one more blood test and my numbers were all of a sudden within the normal range. God is good!
At this point we were seeing a doctor every two weeks. Dr. Abernathy did my ultrasounds once a month and Dr. Fenoughty listened to the boys' heartbeats with a doppler monitor once a month. I loved seeing two doctors. I found comfort in this because I thought if there was anything wrong one of them would catch it right away. I got worried before every appointment but then after I saw that everything was fine I would feel great for a few days. Then my worrying would comeback. Wayne always took the video camera to our ultrasounds and I would always say "wait until we see that they're ok and only turn it on if it is good news." As if he needed me to tell him!
When we went to our 13 week ultrasound we found out we were having identical twin boys. The ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know what we were having and I knew right then that they had to be boys because that is the only reason she would have been able to tell so early. We told her we did want to know and she said she was almost positive they were boys. She could only tell on Johsua because Caleb was facing the wrong way but since we knew they shared a placenta we knew Caleb had to be a boy too. We were thrilled!!! Wayne had visions of camping, four-wheeling, and all that other outdoor boy stuff.
I wasn't ready to start the nursery yet though. I wanted to make sure you were still boys at the next ultrasound. I think part of me was still scared to do anything. I still struggled walking into a maternity store because I felt like maybe I shouldn’t be there yet. What if something bad happened? My regular clothes were beginning to get uncomfortable. Not because I couldn’t get into them but just because I hated having anything touching my belly. I slowly gave into these fears and started shopping for maternity clothes.
At my next ultrasound on August 14th, 2008, everything still looked great. It was a fun appointment. The ultrasound technician said “They are definitely boys…I’m 100% sure”. I don’t think they usually say 100% but she did. She got a big kick out of Caleb. While Joshua was flopping all around, Caleb was very calmly holding "himself" through the entire ultrasound. She had never seen a baby do this before…daddy couldn’t have been prouderJ Both boys were measuring identically still. While we were only 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant they were measuring 18 weeks and 2 days. I was so happy that they looked so great! One of the concerns when they share a placenta is twin-twin transfusion where one baby gets more nutrients than the other. Not ours…they looked perfect!!! At this appointment they complemented me saying that I had a “beautiful cervix” meaning that it was nice and long and still completely closed.
After such a great appointment at almost 18 weeks we decided it was time to start the nursery. We also went to Babies-R-Us and spent the better part of a day registering. It was so much fun!!! While we were there I started to think that I might be feeling them move but I still don’t know for sure that is what I was feeling. We had a blast!!! They had a double stroller that holds two car seats that actually matched the car seats we registered for on sale so we bought it. It was our first fairly big purchase for the boys. I was so excited but something told me to save the receipt. To this day I can't bring myself to return it. I think we'll just keep it.
We also started going to a few classes we were registered for. We had registered for about 9 classes but most of them were a little later in the pregnancy. We were really looking forward to the multiples class but we never made it to that one. We had been to a c-section class at Hendricks hospital, just because Dr. Fenoughty told us we needed to be prepared just in case that is how I had to deliver them. We also went to the “Happiest Baby on the Block” class. It was a lot of fun. We learned a lot about how to comfort a fussy baby. We figured this would be a valuable tool since we were facing the possibility of two fussy babies at one time. The only other class we got to was the tour of IU hospital just in case we had to deliver there due to complications. We weren’t real impressed with their maternity unit so we hoped we didn’t end up there. There is a whole list of other classes we didn’t get to. There is a constant reminder when they call us to remind us before each class. I finally told the last lady that called that we wouldn’t be attending any of the classes because my babies died. That made her pretty quiet. They haven’t called again yet.
My next appointment was with Dr. Fenoughty. She listened to the boys and they sounded great. This would be the last great appointment I had. At this point there were still no concerns. My parents have been so great. After just about every appointment we ended up celebrating with them by going out to dinner. This was no exception. It was probably my favorite one because mom was finally able to easily notice my belly. I loved having a pregnant belly. It was one of my favorite parts of being pregnant. It is like a pregnant belly is filled with so much hope for the future. This was our last celebratory dinner.
That weekend we went shopping with mom and dad because they were generous enough to buy us 2 cribs and a dresser (among the many other things my mom kept buying…dad said we wouldn’t need to have a shower by the time mom was done) as their gift to the babies. This was so great because we were planning to go down to one income when I became a stay at home mommy and we were going to be living on a very tight income. This quickly became the only job I wanted anyway! We got the cribs and dressers order. They weren’t set to arrive for 3-4 months. I immediately said, “3-4 months? I’ll have babies by then!” I couldn’t believe it would take that long but I knew it would be ok because mom had already given us two bassinets that the boys would be in at the beginning. This was Labor Day weekend.
On Tuesday, September 2nd I finally got to talk to my cousin, Stephanie, who had recently found out she was pregnant. I was so excited to share this with someone else that was going through it just a little behind me. I promised her that she could call me anytime with questions because it will all still be fresh in my mind. I don’t think I even let her talk…I was just full of things to tell her. I am still very happy for her and Sean!
I was finally starting to feel some of the uncomfortable parts of being pregnant. I was no longer sleeping because of the constant peeing…I’m talking every 10-15 minutes, and this nagging back pain that was starting. I later found out this wasn’t just an innocent back ache but probably the beginning of back labor.
On Wednesday, I just didn’t feel well so I took the afternoon off. I have never left mid day as I am a teacher and it is way too much work to throw together lesson plans for a 2nd grade class but I knew it was best for my boys if I left. I went to Dr. Fenoughty’s office after first calling Dr. Abernathy’s and not getting a hold of anyone. I would later learn that God lead me to Dr. Fenoughty for what I was about to learn. They immediately hooked me up to the contraction machine to check for contractions because of this tightening feeling I had in my stomach. The nurses there also tried to find the heartbeats to make me feel better. They had trouble finding them but I wrote that off as them just being so active. They did end up finding what I now know was only probably 1 heartbeat and she said she could hear them moving around. The heartbeat she found was in the 160’s. I wanted them to be ok so I figured they were the professionals and everything must be fine if she hears them movnig. She assumed that she heard two different heartbeats. After about an hour or 2 on the machine they didn’t see anything so that was good. Then I saw Dr. Fenoughty. She said that she was a little concerned because some of my symptoms sounded like labor and some of it didn’t. She was also very alarmed at the amount of keytones in my urine. She had never seen such high keytones but there was no sugar so she didn’t figure it was gestational diabetes. She thought I might just be severely dehydrated. I was hoping that was all. She decided to do the gestational diabetes test the next morning just to be safe. After checking my cervix and feeling that it was closed but soft she had Brandy, the ultrasound technician, check it using ultrasound. I was hoping she would go ahead and show me the boys while I was there but she didn’t and I was afraid to ask…don’t worry next time I will. She said my cervix was soft but still completely closed. It was good that it was closed but the fact that it was soft meant that I had effaced 50%. That scared me a little but Dr. Fenoughty said I just needed to take it easy. It was time to teach sitting down. She said I could go to work still but I needed to not do anything else. I agreed…anything for my boys.
The next day Wayne stayed home with me so that he could go to the gestational diabetes test. He wanted to be there in the event that they wanted to keep me there like they did the previous day. The gestational diabetes test wasn’t nearly as bad as I had anticipated. They called me that afternoon and said that my numbers were great. Another hurdle jumped and cleared. We were really thankful!
The following day, Friday, September 5, 2008 my life changed forever. I went to work but I was still feeling some of the same tightening in my stomach so I decided to go ahead and call the doctor to see if I needed to come in again. They said to go ahead and come and they accommodated the fact that I couldn’t realistically get there until 3:35 because I couldn’t just up and leave my class.
After wrestling traffic and rushing to get there by the time I had promised to be there, I made it. Brandy took me straight to the ultrasound room this time. We bypassed the contraction machine because Dr. Fenoughty just wanted to make sure my cervix was still closed. Brandy checked it and it hadn’t changed any…great news right? Well this time I asked her if she would mind just checking on the boys to make me feel better. She of course obliged. I could see both of the boys on the screen but I am certainly not good at interpreting what I am looking at. She looked around for a while. The boys were in very different places than they had been. I thought that was strange but I knew it was over when she said, “let me go show these to the doctor real quick.” Dr. Fenoughty came right in and said, “We may have a problem.” I’m thinking problems I can work through just as long as my boys are alive I can deal with it. She said, “I’m sorry.” I said, “both of them?” and she said, “yes” with tears in her eyes. I didn’t know what to do. I just cried. I was so sad. How could I lose both of my boys?!?!?!? They asked if I wanted them to call Wayne. I didn’t want them to tell him…I needed to. She told me that I would have to go through labor and deliver my dead boys. I couldn’t believe this!!! How could God allow this to happen??? Dr. Fenoughty said that we could think about it over the weekend and Wayne could come in on Monday to get closure by seeing that they were gone on the ultrasound. I just didn’t know what to think. I was only 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Dr. Fenoughty left and I got dressed. I wasn’t sure what to do from there. I walked out and hugged Brandy. I was so grateful that she was the one to find out. She is the best ultrasound technician there is!!! Unfortunately she was sick the day I found out my baby was gone during my first loss so I had to find out from a complete stranger. I was very grateful to have Brandy there this time.
The next call I will never forget. I got to the truck and I had to tell Wayne. I called him and was so upset he couldn’t even understand me, or maybe he just hoped he didn’t understand me. He left work immediately to meet me at home. He had to make the call to our parents. This is a call I couldn’t have made because I knew how sad everyone was going to be. I went straight home and sat in the newly painted nursery and just cried. When Wayne got home we stayed in there crying forever. He called the doctor so that she could explain everything to him and we decided we didn’t want to wait until Monday. We knew our boys were gone. I think I knew something was wrong for the last few days, although I never had the pleasure of knowing for sure that I felt them moving or kicking. The doctor told us that the next day we were to report to the hospital at 7 am and they would induce me.
I just couldn’t believe this was happening! Mom and Dad came over and brought dinner. This was a dinner mom had prepared to help me get my protein for my boys. I was no longer eating it to help my boys; I was eating it as my last meal before my boys came into this world…dead.
Wayne and I were up very early on Saturday, September 6, 2008. We just dreaded what was coming. We got to the hospital at 6:45 am, not knowing what we were going to be walking into. I hadn’t gotten to this part of all my books. My babies were supposed to still be growing! Luckily, the first person we met was Marlena. As soon as we gave her our name, she took us to our room in the corner, away from all the other rooms. She stood at the side of my bed and asked me a bunch of medical questions. I’ll never forget that she asked me if I used cocaine…I thought no of course not…that could kill my babies. Wayne and I joked and said, “Not since we left the parking lot”. God and the sense of humor He blessed us with got us through the next 36 hours. Then Marlena sat on the edge of the bed and began explaining what was going to happen…I lost it. She just sat and cried with me. It meant so much to me that she was sad with me. This was not the last time Marlena cried with me. At 7:30 am Marlena inserted the first pill to begin inducing me.
My parents came soon after we got there. Then Wayne’s Dad and Angie showed up. I can’t remember when everyone got there but I know my parents, Glenn and Angie, Wayne’s mom Tina, his sister Suzi, my brother Ben and his wife Courtney, were all there most of the day and night. I know they were all just as sad as we were. They were losing their grandchildren, and nephews. Two of our friends from church Matt and Amy, my friend Carol, and Wayne's step-dad John all stopped by at some point too. We had such an amazing support system! I can’t thank those people enough.
Marlena inserted two more pills every four hours. We knew this was going to be a long process when the first few didn’t seem to do anything right away. Around 5 pm I guess, I started to feel some cramping and my back pain, of which I had for a few days, intensified. They had recommended that I get an epidural because there was no sense in feeling this, not with the outcome we were facing. I waited a long time. Part of me wanted to know what labor felt like…I was afraid I would never be here again so now may be my only chance to find out.
I held off quite a while, but the fact that if the placenta didn’t come out completely I would have to have a D & C, which she would have to put me to sleep for if I wasn’t numb from the epidural, made me go for the epidural. The pain was starting to get uncomfortable so I welcomed the relief. The anesthesiologist came immediately and got it going. I will say it didn’t feel good but it wasn’t too bad. It did give me immediate relief. I think I might have acted kind of stupid at this point. A few hours later I started to feel everything again. I could have gotten up and walked. It had completely worn off and the contractions were getting a lot worse. I also spiked a fever. I was so hot! I think my fever peaked at 103.9 or something like that.
They kept giving me more and more drugs because they didn’t think there was anything wrong with the epidural right away. I knew there was something wrong with it because I could feel everything. My contractions at this point were 30 seconds apart. Dr. Fenoughty was there at this time and she broke my water…that gave me a lot of relief. That was a weird feeling. Everything was immediately drenched, including Marlena, Martha (another fantastic nurse), and Wayne. Then they figured out that my epidural had in fact moved and so they had to redo it. As soon as they got it in this time, I can’t even explain the relief if brought me. It was amazing…I think I made a fool of myself thanking everyone. Joshua Wayne was born right after that at 10:04 pm. I was able to rest for the first time in a long time. Mom, Dad, Glenn, Angie, and Courtney were in the room with us when my second water broke. I think it freaked the men out as they bolted. I didn’t know what to think. Marlena and the doctor came back right away and Caleb Scott was born at 10:34 pm. Dr. Fenoughty told us that the boys were perfect. There was nothing wrong with them. She said this was all caused by a placental abruption that cut off Caleb’s nutrients first, causing his cord to all but pull away from my placenta. The placenta then tried to clot cutting off Joshua’s oxygen. She showed us the placenta and because I was numb from the epidural still she was able to make sure there was nothing leftover inside. She was literally up to her elbow in me...thank God for the epidural! By this point my pregnant belly was completely gone…I hated it!!!!! This has been one of the hardest things to deal with.
We didn’t want to see the boys, in fact I wouldn’t let Mom or Wayne even look down when they were born. I just didn’t want them to see them dead. I knew it would upset them. You will notice at this point in the story Marlena was still there. She stayed all night. She didn’t go home to her family because she knew I needed her with me. She was so amazing. At around 1 am on September 7th we decided to see our boys. I was so curious of what they looked like. My parents and Wayne’s dad and Angie wanted to see them so Bobbi offered to let us see them first. I am so glad now that we saw them and that all the people that loved them so much got to see them. I am thankful to God for every second we got to see and hold our boys. It was amazing to me that only being 20 weeks and 6 days pregnant those boys were obviously going to look like their daddy. They had their daddy’s nose sprouting.
All night the nurses and Bobbi, the bereavement counselor, put together memory boxes for our boys. They took pictures of our boys and made plaques with their footprints and handprints for us to keep. Bobbi gave Joshua his first bath while another mommy of angels gave Caleb his first bath. I just can’t believe the support we received at Hendricks Hospital. A mother who lost her own twin boys came just to be there for my boys. I have not yet met her but she is on my list of people to thank. Marlena rocked my boys and sang to them just like all the other babies. I felt so comfortable having my boys with so many people that cared for them. The boys were to be there as long as we were. It made it difficult to leave but I know that the boys were truly already in God’s arms.
We did get some sleep that night. The next day Marlena was back on at 6 am and again she had never left the hospital. We decided that we would leave with her that evening. She was so amazing, I didn’t want to be there without her and physically I was fine. It was the emotional part of me that was completely broken but they couldn’t fix that. The only thing that could fix that was if I was taking my boys home with me when I left. We had a steady stream of visitors that day. People came to see our boys just as if they were alive. It was amazing. I got to introduce my boys to two sets of their great-grandparents, their grandparents, their Aunt Suzi, their Uncle Ben and Aunt Courtney, their Great Uncle Rick, and Aunt Cathy, their 2nd cousins, Bethany and Ricky, their Great Aunt Karen, and their Aunt Carol. I was so grateful to everyone for meeting my boys even though I know it was hard for them to do.
Our steady stream of visitors ended around 5:30pm. Wayne and I said a final, very difficult, good-bye to our boys. It was terrible to know that the next time we saw them they would be in a box being put into the ground. We said a hopeful good-bye to them. We know we will see them again in heaven but it is going to very difficult to live here on earth without them. We walked out with Marlena when she got off at 6 pm. It was a difficult walk to make with empty arms. Marlena held my hand all the way to the car. She was so good to us! I’m so grateful to God that He blessed us with her as our nurse. She took amazing care of our boys.
We came home and everything just felt so strange. The next day our new pastor (another blessing that God arranged for us to get us through this trial) and his wife came to our house. This was the first real conversation I had with them. They may think I am completely crazy but I needed some answers for why God would allow this to happen to us. I wanted to know why God had taken my boys. They led me to a lot of scripture that would help me through. They sat and looked at what we had left of our boys. They saw their memory boxes. They spent 2 hours with us and it was the beginning of my healing. They led me back to God. They gave me a book the next Sunday called Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. It has been a huge blessing to me. I have learned that I don’t need to understand why God took my boys, I just need to trust Him. I know that I will someday understand all of this but in the meantime I need to put my trust and faith in Him. I have learned a lot of lessons through the loss of my boys but this has by far been the most important. I know God will bring me through this trial and I will be stronger in the end.
On Monday, September 8th, 2008 Wayne and I went to the funeral home to approve the casket. My parents had already arranged all of this with the funeral director and they were there by our side through the whole thing. It was such a small casket but it was still big enough that our boys could be in it together. Wayne and I never thought that at 29 and 31 years old we would have to plan a funeral. The funeral was arranged for Wednesday, September 10th. On Tuesday we chose where they would be buried. We chose a beautiful cemetery in the country, in Thorntown, Indiana. It is called Cox’s Cemetery. It is right next door to the 11 acres that my brother owns and his huge barn that Wayne and I love to visit. Wayne and I have always loved it out there and we always said that is where we would like to be buried. I guess we just never thought we would have to bury our boys there. We got a plot for ourselves right next to our boys and my parents are going to be right next to us. We have started a compound at the cemetery…pretty sad huh?
Wednesday, September 10th, came much too quick. It was time to say a final, but hopeful farewell to our boys. We could have had a hundred people there to support us but we limited the attendance to those who met and loved our boys. Pastor did a fantastic job laying my boys to rest. He shared the story of Joshua and Caleb from the Bible. He explained that my boys are blessed to be where they are. They would never have to feel one second of pain. I am glad that God has led us to his church and brought him into our lives.
Today as I sit here writing this, it all still seems like a bad dream. I have to remind myself over and over again that my boys are gone and they aren’t coming back. I have started to join online support groups to meet moms who have gone through something similar. It makes me so sad to see that other people have had to endure this but it is also comforting to know that I am not alone.
That is our story; the story of two amazing little boys whose mommy loves and misses them more than she can begin to express.
Yes, I wrote on it with marker...I didn't have any paint handy...I'm sure my boys expected nothing less of their mommy:-) I know it isn't much but it was all I could do today and I felt a sense of urgency to get something up. I plan to work on a semi-permanent one that I can put up until the headstone is done. 
