14 Years

To my Forever Babies, 

It’s been 4 years since my last letter to you.  I guess that is proof that life has continued.  And we’ve been living it.  The sadness is still there if I look for it but it no longer prevents me from living this life God has blessed me with.

Somehow it has been 14 years since the day you were born.  14 years since I got to hold you. The years show on your headstone. I keep thinking how terrible it is that I haven’t kept your headstone clean.  I’m sure it wouldn’t come as a shock to anyone that knows me well, that I have mom guilt, even with the two boys I never got to mother.  I’m not gifted at much, but mom guilt I can do! 

I needed today.  God knew.  I didn’t think I would get to come visit you today because our schedule was packed tonight and I teach on Tuesdays, but by His providence, I ended up with the afternoon off.

I stopped for some decorations for your headstone on my way out to the cemetery.  I bought you some cupcakes and a 1 and a 4 candle.  As I checked out the cashier said, are they turning 14 or 41? It kind of took my breath away. I know he said “they” since he didn’t know, boy or girl, but I heard “they” because you’re twins.  I didn’t tell him you were gone.  I just said “14”.  I didn’t catch every word that followed because for a minute you were still alive and it’s all I could think about. You were real. He said something about what a big year 14 is and how close to driving you are.   I think I mumbled something about how fast it goes.  It was the most “normal” conversation I’ve ever had about you.  I would have been quite so happy to just spend a little more time in that moment with that cashier and that conversation, but that may have gotten awkward real quick.  So instead I grabbed my bags and left, feeling grateful for that moment in time where you were alive. 

Now here I sit at the foot of your grave.  I needed to be with you today.  I’ve always come here with your brothers and Daddy.  Today it’s just me because that’s how our schedule worked out.  It’s so quiet and so peaceful here.  I remember why we chose this spot for you. I question it each time I make the drive but then I get here and it all makes sense.  

I miss you everyday but today… today just feels more.  I’m sure it’s the solitude and quiet that has brought it to the surface more than normal.  But in the sadness I also feel calm.  This wasn’t a surprise ending to God.  This was your path.  It was our path and as much as I’d give to walk it alongside you, I’m content.  I’m grateful for the brief time we had together. I’m grateful for all that you taught me.  I’m grateful for the lives that have crossed paths with mine, because of you. Most of all, I’m grateful that I got to be your momma.  

I hope God reminds you today how much I love you.  When God says it’s time, we will be together again.  Until then, I’m going to hug your brothers a little tighter (they will be thrilled😁).  I love you Joshua and Caleb Johnston! 

Love always and forever,

Mommy (yes, I know there’s no way you’d still be calling me mommy at 14, but you’re not here, so I get to pick😁)

P.S. I will be back soon with the headstone cleaner! 

Halfway

Dear Case,
Happy "Birth-O-Ween"!  Today you are nine years old!  Nine years ago you came into our lives when we needed you the most... yes, WE needed you.  Joshua and Caleb made us parents but you made us Mommy and Daddy.  There is no greater or scarier privilege than this one.  There's something pretty crazy, special, sad and mostly heartwrenching about this birthday though.  It's different from the last 8. 

For nine years we've been walking up the hill to reach this point.  We've laughed, we've cried, we've disciplined; rinse and repeat for nine years.  Now we start our downhill descent.  We are no longer building up... now we are counting down.  In 9 more years from today, the world will call you an adult.  Legally, you will be able to vote, open your own bank account, sign your own documents, enlist in the military, serve on a jury, buy fireworks, get a tattoo and (gulp) live by yourself.  I can't wrap my mind, and especially my heart, around the fact that your childhood is officially halfway over today.  Each year seems to get busier and faster, which means the next nine years are going to fly by even faster than the first nine did.

This next nine years will be like a final exam for Daddy and me.  Did we do enough?  Did we discipline the right way?  Were we too harsh?  Were we too gentle?  I can make a list of one hundred ways I've screwed up at being your mom, and that would likely only get me through this week.  I pray with all that I am, that despite my failures, you're still going to grow up to be a bright spot in this dark world.

I am not sure what the next nine years will look like for you.  You have changed so much and so fast in the past few years.  You've really started to become your own person.  I've seen glimpses of the teenage attitude, which will likely be super "fun" for all involved, and I've seen glimpses of this super funny, loving kid that has the potential to totally change the world. As you travel through the next nine years, I need you to remember a few things.  God did NOT promise to make your life easy.  He DID promise to be with you through it all though.  Remember that the world is watching the most when things get hard, and things WILL get hard. 

There will be times when it feels like the whole world is against you.  Keep your head up.  Keep your heart focused.  And don't worry about what the people around you think of you.  Your heart will always know right from wrong.  Stick with what's right and be kind.  Make the choice to show God's love to the person that believes the same things as you, and to the person that believes none of the things you do.  Be in the Word and let Jesus be your guide. 

I pray that you develop a strong work ethic over the next nine years.  Working hard will go a long way to carry you through tough situations in school and life.  You don't get something for nothing.  The world doesn't owe you anything but God has called you to serve the world.  Always be kind... genuinely kind.  No one likes a faker and people see right through that.  But genuine kindness?  That has the ability to totally transform your life and the lives around you.  As you get older, you will begin to see how truly ugly the world can be. People can be so cruel.  There's death and poverty and so much fighting.  But there is also beauty in the world.  Find the beauty.  Seek it out.  It's worth it.  And when you can't find the beauty, make some. 

I also need to let you in on a little secret.  Contrary to what you may think, Mommy and Daddy do NOT have things all figured out.  Growing up is NOT the answer to all your questions and problems.  It's just the key to a whole new world of confusion.  So cling to God's Word now, so that when you're all grown up, the sword of your spirit will be big and strong and ready to take on all the complications that come with being a grown up.  And don't be in a hurry to get there.  Take your time and enjoy the last half of your childhood.  Don't keep lunging forward to the next chapter, rather enjoy the one you're in.  There's a great story there! 

Now a word of advice to the future 18 year old you...  along with the privilege of being old enough to live on your own, get a tattoo, and blow your paycheck on lottery tickets; you're also old enough to go to jail.  So make good choices and love the people around you. 

I love you Case Case!  You're going to keep on this descent whether my momma heart is ready or not, so be gentle in the moments where I fall apart.  My heart is just trying to catch up with your reality.  No matter what the last half of your childhood looks like, I will always love you with all that I am and you will never make a mistake big enough to change that even a little bit.  Happy Birthday, Case! 

Love,
Mommy 

Ten Years

Dear Joshua and Caleb,

10 years.  10 years since I held you in my hands.  10 years since our world was shattered into pieces.  As I sit here staring at this blank page, I wonder if after ten years I’ve already said everything there is to say.  And I probably have but if you love someone and miss them can you possibly tell them too many times?     Still, I wonder, Is our loss relevant enough to still bring hope to those with a more recent loss?  Should I still feel like a piece of me is missing?  Should it still feel like there’s a part of my life that will always feel a little bit shaken?  Should I still immediately feel fear wash over me when someone I care about tells me they’re pregnant?  Should I still feel like I can’t breathe when I hear that someone has lost a baby?  Should I still live in fear that something terrible is going to happen to one of your brothers or your daddy?  I don’t know the answers to any of these things but I do know that I still feel like something is missing from this life; I still feel fear and I still feel worry.  But I also feel contentment and calm.  It doesn’t make sense to feel both but here I am.  

God doesn’t take away my worry that something terrible will happen to one of your brothers or your Daddy, but He does remind me what He has already carried me through.  He reminds me that no matter what, He is here and He will be there.  He will carry me through every single trial no matter how big or small.  No matter how much it rocks my world or interferes with my plans.  That brings me calm and peace in the midst of fear and worry.  Statistically, stillbirth happens more than people know but statistically, it’s still a very small percentage of people that walk this walk.  After being pregnant 7 times, with 8 babies, with only three of them living, the percentage gets even smaller.  And with all of the circumstances being different each time it’s even smaller still.  It takes my head to a place of “We’ve faced all of these special circumstances, what’s next?”  That’s when I start to worry so much about Case, Ty, Knox, and Daddy.  I start to worry that I couldn’t bear to lose one of them.  But then God.  He steps in.  He tells me I wouldn’t have to bear it, because He would.

 

You have been a constant reminder that my plans are not His plans.  I am so grateful that the One that knows the beginning and the end and every seemingly insignificant detail in between, is the one who is truly in charge of my plans.  Do I still miss you?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Nothing will ever feel totally settled because you aren’t here.  But God has carried me through 10 years without you.  He has given me the gift of remembering you without the weight of a thousand bricks on my chest.  He has given me the ability to go back to that day.  To see how tiny you were in my hands.  To see the tears from everyone that loved you so much.  To see the raw emotion of that night we spent with you.  But he also allows me to feel the love that surrounded you and me and Daddy.  He reminds me of the beauty in our pain.  We were broken, but still carried.  He put us back together one piece, sometimes one second, at a time.  We never walked a step without Him, even when tried to. 

It's so hard not to think of what your 10^th birthday would have been like though.  10 is a BIG deal in our family!  Two-digit numbers need to be celebrated in a big way.  These are the memories that I looked forward to the minute I found out I was pregnant and even more so the minute I found out there were two of you.  These are the big moments that I miss.  The big moments that I can only imagine.  Would you have shared friends or each had your own?  What kind of party would you want?  Game truck?  Lego party?  Sleepover or a couple hours with friends?  Chocolate cake or vanilla?  How many arguments would we have over the matching birthday shirts I made you or the number of friends you could invite?  Man, I would love to make these memories with you!  Then I get the best three hugs from Case at bedtime and I know that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be.  I know that your brothers are here because you’re not.  And while I don’t get to celebrate your 10^th birthday with you our world is exactly how it was meant to be.  I get all of you, just in different ways.

Another thing that is surprisingly still hard after 10 years?  I still don’t know how to answer the question, “How many kids do you have?”.  I know how I want to answer it but I rarely do it that way.  I usually say “I have three boys.”  At that point, I almost always get, “Oh boy!  I bet you are busy!” That’s when I really want to say, “But there’s more!  There were FIVE of them!”  I want to say, “I have three awesome, crazy boys that I get to kiss goodnight and I have two more that I only wish I could.”  Sometimes I tell people about you when I first meet them and I’m almost always glad I did.  I have met some pretty awesome people below the surface that would have otherwise just been superficial meetings.  I wonder how many opportunities I’ve missed by not sharing you with the world.   

Well, my page is now far from blank, so I guess there was more for me to say.  Will there be next year?  I have no idea but whether my page remains blank or not please know that I still miss you and love you more than I could ever say even if I wrote a million pages.  Please know how grateful I am for the legacy you left behind, for the clarity you have given me and for the beautiful people you’ve brought into my life.    I love you always, my forever babies! 

Love,

Mommy

The weather app I looked at last night and this morning said there was an 80% chance of rain from about 2:00 on.  Case, Ty, and Knox had dentist appointments at noon so we took the afternoon and headed to the cemetery.  It didn't rain a drop until we left.  It was another beautiful day at the cemetery.  When I drive there I wish they weren't so far away but when I get there I just love it so much.  The drive is totally worth it.  We left the cemetery and went to see Christopher Robin.  It was a great movie.  The boys thought it was great to go chair hopping throughout because we were the only ones in the theater.  I love these moments when we can sneak away from reality as a family.  

Mom went out and decorated their headstone yesterday.  She
did a way better job than I usually do!

My whole world in one picture

All my babies in one place

My Crew

I guess she misunderstood how to spell Caleb.
Oh well!  It was still good!  

 And we came home to these beautiful flowers!  I seriously have the best family ever!  It does my heart good to know that Joshua and Caleb live on in my family too!  

Butter = Molly (long story)
Madman = Maddox

Nine Years

Dear Joshua and Caleb,

It has been nine years now.  Goodness!  When I think of that number it seems like such a long time ago!  You would be in third grade.  I often wonder who you would be, what you would look like, what things you would be into.  School?  Sports?  Friends?  It's fun to think about how our family dynamic would be different if you were still here with us.  Five boys (six counting Daddy) under one roof would make for some interesting sounds and smells.  I'd probably just give in all together and put in urinals upstairs and downstairs.  And oh the schedules... I just can't imagine adding two more schedules into our already crazy lives.  I'd do it in a heartbeat though... if that had been part of the plan.  God had much bigger things than busy schedules, peeing on walls, and helping your brothers master the art of armpit farting, planned for you.  You live in SO many other ways here!

You changed me.  You taught me compassion.  I used to feel sad when I heard that someone lost a baby but I couldn't fully grasp what that meant.  You gave me the gift of true understanding though.  Now my heart breaks every time I hear of another momma's loss. I can easily feel the hurt and shattering of my heart on the day that I found out you were never coming home with me.  I can't breath thinking of these mommas that are just starting this journey.  It's totally unnatural.  You can go from painting a nursery to planning a funeral in a matter of moments.  The shock is just too much for one person to handle.  God never made me walk alone though.  I may have frequently felt lonely but never alone.  God carried me every step of the way and gave me your daddy, who never rushed my grief.  He knew I couldn't walk it alone.  My first prayer for these mommas is just that they would let God be a part of their journey.  There will still be bumps and sharp turns and gravel roads that shake you to your core but they will NEVER be alone.  And the roads will get smoother and more manageable until you can actually do life without the constant pressure of grief pushing down on your chest.  Laughter comes back and all of a sudden you find yourself seeing the true beauty of everything and everyone around you.  All God's gifts.

A few months ago we stopped our monthly support group.  Families stopped coming.  I'd love to believe that there just weren't any losses but I know that isn't the case.  This was a very hard decision for me.   Did I not do enough for these mommas?  I pray that no one ever felt forgotten or like I didn't care enough.  Was it our location?  I don't know.  Is it that there are so many virtual resources out there now?  Maybe.  Whatever the reason I had to make the decision to walk away from it.  It was a beautiful when it worked.  It was such an honor to walk with and see the progress that these mommas made to go from completely shattered to picking up the pieces and living again.  I'm so sad though.  I can't imagine not having the girls that were there for me after I lost you.  My online support girls were all wonderful but there is something about sitting in a room seeing other mommas getting emotional because they can feel the same things you feel.  And seeing firsthand what time does for grief.  Sitting in a room with mommas a few years out, there is hope where there once was darkness. I'm sad that I can't offer that support to other moms anymore.  I pray for God to show me another way to keep honoring you!  I don't know what it is but I'm always going to feel the need to keep your memory alive here.  I'm reminded every year though.  You are not forgotten.  I get calls, texts Facebook posts, even before I've said a word about what today is.  I can only assume that is because you left your mark on those people too.  It reminds me that you are still living on in each of the people that you touched.  Your time was short but your footprints are large.

Nine years and I can still smell you.  I can still go back to that day and it is all very real.  Not like a memory but like I can still feel everything.  I'm grateful that this doesn't fade with time. Maybe walking with other mommas makes it easier to remember.  Maybe that's one of the biggest reasons I'm scared that our group is gone.  Maybe it's because that group was helping me more than them.  I don't know.  But the fear is real.  I don't ever want to forget, even the hard parts.  That was my day with you.  I pray it NEVER goes away.

I hope that you know that you live on in me each and every day.  I pray that I never miss an opportunity to use your lives to help another.   It is my goal to keep your memory alive in kindness towards others.  I hope that I never let you down!  Never!  You made me a momma and your brothers gave me the job to go with the title.  I'm so grateful for all of my boys.  I will never be able to fully explain it but this job... being your momma and Case and Ty and Knox's momma is MY job.  This is who I am and all that I ever wanted to be.  Thank you for making a mom!  I love you so much!  Sleep well my forever babies.

Love,
Mommy

Sometimes on the long drive out I wish we had
buried you in a closer cemetery and then I look
around the closer we get. You were buried in
the perfect place.

Your view

Our traditional cookie cake

We bought you three balloons but in true
grandma and grandpa form they came with
three WAY bigger balloons :-)

Annual family picture

Subway at the cemetery

So grateful for your grandma and grandpa.
They miss you too!

 

We released all of your balloons... some of us
before others (ahem... Ty).  

I came home to a box of flowers on my porch.
These were sent from Ben and Court.  So grateful
that they never forget you boys!  They miss you too!
I can't wait to see these when the sunflowers open up!

15th Anniversary

15 years ago today I was dressed in the poofiest white dress you've ever seen.  Even today I still don't regret that dress.  I walked down the aisle barefoot because that seemed safer than taking my chances with heals or tripping on my dress.  My wedding planner almost lost it... on more than one occasion with us if I'm being honest.  It was a perfect day though.  Cinderella themed, hair and makeup done for me, an amazing photographer capturing so many wonderful moments, bagpipes during our recession, a super fun band at our reception.  It was the start of life with my best friend.  In that day I was pretty sure things were going to be perfect.  How could anything go wrong when we had such an awesome beginning?

Turns out he's not perfect and I'm far from it.  Two imperfect people doing life together is not a recipe for perfection.  It's a recipe for a flawed marriage.  In 15 years we've completed 2 bachelors degrees, 1 masters degree, had 5 jobs, 2 houses (with 6 months in between at my parent's house), 7 pregnancies, burying our stillborn twin boys, a 7 year old boy, a 6 year old boy, and an almost 3 year old boy.  You can imagine that two flawed people doing all of that together doesn't happen without bumps, craters, tears and a whole lot of laughter along the way.  There was one point early on before we even hit the really complicated stuff that I was all but sure we wouldn't make it but God had other plans for us.  God entered our marriage and grabbed the steering wheel.  We both went through changes that I totally didn't see coming.

I learned that there really is nothing that I am capable of without God's hand guiding me through.  I couldn't wish a fix for our marriage but I could pray for one.  We both learned the difference between fairy tales and agape love.  Agape love is the love God calls us to have in a marriage.  Fairy tales are just that... tales.  Agape love doesn't quit just because quitting would be easier.  It is sacrificial, not self serving.  It is a choice, not a feeling.  It is folding the laundry even though you have no idea which kid the clothes belong to.  It is emptying the dishwasher even though it would be way easier to pretend you hadn't opened it and seen that it was clean.  It is giving your wife the one empty room in your house to be her craft room even though you really want an office of your own.  It is being the first to apologize after an argument.  It is going to work every day to a job you don't always love so that your wife can be home with your kids.  It is not batting an eye when your wife says she needs to get out of the house for a bit even though you've just worked a long day.  It is Wayne.

He chooses to love me even when I'm not lovable.  I screw up a lot.  A lot.  He still reaches out to grab my hand or tells me I'm beautiful even when I know I've been ugly to him.  He gives so much of himself to make sure that no matter what I know that I am loved.  I have more than my fair share of self-doubt but one look from him and I know that none of that matters.  God gifted me a marriage that allows me to be loved despite my flaws.  He gave me Wayne.  My best friend.  My partner in everything.  My rational side when I get worked up and filled with anxiety.  My smile when all I want to do is cry.  

15 years has flown by but when I look at all that our marriage has been through it seems like it should be even longer.  I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude for the marriage that God has blessed me with.  There have definitely been hard times but He has seen us through them.  We still aren't perfect, neither is our marriage.  We have a lot to learn but we are learning together.  There are days where I barely see him or we have so many things on our schedule that we are just running from one place to another in opposite directions, but at the end of the day I know he's there.  Even if he's traveling to the other side of the country, I know he's there and I know he chooses to love me.

Happy 15th Anniversary Wayne.  Look at all that God has done for us...

From this...

...to this.  

22 Questions with 7 Year Old Case

1.  Where is your favorite place to go?  Holiday World and Conner Prairie
2.  What is something you are really good at?  Basketball
3.  What's something that you think is really hard?  Tennis4.  What is your favorite color?  pink, purple, and red
5.  What is your favorite toy?  Digimon toys
6.  What is your favorite TV show?  Digimon (thank you Netflix)
7.  What is your favorite movie?   Pokemon the movie
8.  What makes you laugh?  When Daddy tickles me
9.  What are you afraid of?  lights that flicker
10.  What do you like to do with our family?  go out and eat dinner together
11.  What is your favorite animal?  orangutan and cheetah
12.  What is your favorite song?  The main Digimon song (Digital Monsters)
13.  What is your favorite book?  Lego Minifigures Character Encyclopedia
14.  Who is your best friend?  Cora, Avery, and Isabella
15.  What is your favorite food?  cake and Jimmy Johns and Subway turkey and cheese
16.  What is your favorite drink?  orange juice
17.  What is your favorite game?  hide and seek and tag
18.  What is your favorite thing to play outside? Digimon
19.  What is your favorite sport? basketball and swimming
20.  What is your favorite holiday?  Halloween
21.  What do you sleep with at night?  Puppy Dog and Bunny
22.  What do you want to be when you grow up?  computer programmer

Knox is 2!

Dear Knox,
I'm about 3 months late with this post and a lot can change in 3 months when you're only two.  So this is more of a glimpse of you at 2 years three months.  First off I can't believe that you are two let alone the fact another 3 months have happened since that day!

Some stats for you:

Height: 35"

Weight: 28 lbs

Clothing: pants 18M to 2T Shirts 2T

Diapers:  Size 5.  No discussion of potty training here.  I tried sitting you on the potty about 7 months ago and I didn't get your foot all the way to the other side of the potty so it went into the water.  We're going to call that a set back.  You screamed.  I apologized 100 times.  It wasn't pretty and I don't know if you will ever sit on the potty again.  You like to watch the rest of us go though.

Food: You love sweets!  Donuts, candy, chocolate, ice cream, you name it!  You also like milk, pears, graham crackers, veggie sticks, pizza, cereal bars, other things are hit and miss.  Oh and gum.  Lots and lots of gum.  I'm thinking about getting stock in Trident.  You got through several pieces a day and oddly enough you have only swallowed it maybe two or three times.  Sometimes Daddy (he doesn't brush your teeth before bed... if you have teeth issues now that is why) doesn't know you have gum when he puts you to bed and when I get you up in the morning it's still there.

Talking:  You are talking more and more every day.  You have started putting sentences together and you surprise us every day with how much you learn.  Probably the sweetest thing you say is "Thank you Momma," or Daddy or whoever you're talking to.  You are just very quick to say thank you and you always use a name at the end.  Let's hope that sticks.  You have funny names for things that have stuck with us.  The iPad, one of your favorite things, you have named "Ole' Pie", you call a truck a "dutch".  I know there are others but these are frequently used by you and the ones that come to mind right now.  

Tricks: I just turned your car seat around a few weeks ago after you puked from being car sick for the second time.  Thank goodness it was in Grandma's car this time!  When you had the mirror in front of you though you used it.  Really well.  You'd describe the cars you saw in the mirror.  I was always shocked.  I don't remember your brothers ever doing that.  You'd even call out "Pop Paw's Dutch" if you saw one that looked like it.  We were in a parking lot and the road was far away but you saw Mrs. Wolfe's van and yelled "Andy" (he's one of your other favorite people and Mrs. Wolfe's son).  So apparently you have excellent car recognition.  Not sure if that will get you far in life but we find it entertaining.

I can't begin to describe the joy that you bring into my heart each and every day.  You are funny.  SO funny!  You love to laugh and make everyone else laugh... especially your brothers.  You are still obsessed with balls.  You love to shoot a ball, hit a ball, throw a ball, whatever.  About a million times a day I hear, "Momma, shoot ball." and "I hit ball."  I love this!  I love that you seem to have a passion at only 2 years old.  And I'm not gonna lie... I'm really hoping that you pick a sport and grow to really love it!  I don't even care if you are good.  I just want to be there to see you play and feel what it's like to win and learn how to lose with grace.  I want to be there to see you learn all the lessons that organized sports have to offer.  But I only want to be there if you truly love it.  If it's your passion.  Fair warning though.  I don't tend to be a quiet spectator.  I'm loud.  Ask your brothers.

You are no stranger to a good old fashioned tantrum.  You frequently say "no." to any request.  Diaper changes, trying a food you don't like, sharing a toy.  Doesn't matter.  Your typical answer is simply "no."  You've spent your fair share of time in timeout already too.  You used to sit in timeout.  Now I carry you there.  You become stiff as a board so I lay you down and that is how you stay until you're sprung.  At that point we have a little chat about disobedience, which I'm guessing you understand about 25% of.  Then I tell you that you need to say "sorry Mommy."  You don't.  You have NEVER said the word "sorry".  You are stubborn.  VERY stubborn.  One night, and I can't even remember the reason, you were in and out of timeout for about 1.5 hours because you refused to say sorry.  At one point during this standoff, Case brought us a picture book entitled "Sorry".  Genius!  He's a way better parent than I am!  It still didn't work though.  Now when I say you need to say sorry Mommy you just lay your head on me and hug me for about 30 seconds.  In my book that counts.  I will take that over hearing the word "sorry" any day of the week!

Tantrum time

You are starting to role play with whatever toys you happen to have.  It is SO much fun to listen to your characters carry on a conversation.  Sadly it always ends up being a full on riot between them but before they start beating the tar out of each other it's really cute.

You pretty much idolize your big brothers!  You love to run with them and wrestle with them!  No one makes you laugh and smile quite like they do.  You only recently, about a month ago, started saying Case's name.  You've said Ty's for a long time.  Usually over and over and over again until he'd yell at you, "WHAT KNOX!".  He's probably the most excited of all of us that you've learned Case's name.  You ask where your brothers are all day long when they are at school.  "Where Ty?, Where Case?, Where Daddy?" are the questions I hear several times throughout the day.  As soon as you hear an alarm reminder on my phone you yell "Bus!" and head for the door.

You are painfully and awkwardly (for mommy) shy.  You'll say hi to everyone in the grocery store unless I tell you to.  Then you lay your head down on me and won't even look at the person.  You're not a fan of new situations or of any situation that might involve me leaving you with anyone but Daddy, Grandma, or Grandpa.  I have been to church about 2 times in the last 6 months.  You won't stay in the nursery without me so we hangout there together each Sunday.  I usually try to sneak out at some point during the service but even if you don't see me leave and you're completely focused on playing, something in you knows that I'm gone.  I can't make it 10 feet out the door and your scream is piercing every ear within a one mile radius.  Seriously, I think cars are pulling to the side of the road even.  You sound like a firetruck.  So back in I go.  I'm okay with this.  It's temporary and I'm going to miss our time together when you don't need me anymore.

You have a special bond with your Grandpa.  It's funny, he's the one that was adamant about not having a silly grandpa nickname and you and Molly both gave him one.  You call him Pop Paw.  I have no idea how to spell it but that's what it sounds like.  The minute you see Grandma you ask where Pop Paw is.  It drives her crazy and Pop Paw loves it!  Today you were fighting back tears when he left.  You just kept grabbing his leg and hugging him.  I think he just about decided to scrap the rest of the plans he had for the day.

You and your Pop Paw

Hanging with Grandma at the state fair

If I've been out and you hear me come in the door you run just as fast as your little legs will carry you to greet me at the door with a giant hug.  I seriously melt every single time.  You do the same for Daddy and Grandma and Pop Paw.  There's just nothing like the unconditional love and pure excitement you have for the people you care about the most!

I wish I could just follow you around with a camera all day long and just video everything you do for one day because I don't want to forget any of it.  Time is flying and in a minute you're going to be off to school and I am going to be heartbroken.  I dread the day I don't have my little sidekick by me all day long.

Here's a look at you over the past year...

First day just the two of us after we dropped Ty
off at preschool.

those eyes

you love sleeping on Daddy

... and playing with panty liners.  

You've really started getting into looking at books

Probably your most favorite book

you're a climber

look out for that dinosaur!

cleanliness is not your forte.

always there to help mommy sew!

hay ride!

Your best buddy Maddox

Sometimes Mommy needs a model and
you just happen to be the right size.

needed a snack... and a broom

Balls!

you LOVE bubbles!

Lunch at school with big brother

My favorite costume!

Our family costume

You had some pretty serious hair issues before we got it cut.

Miss Tori to the rescue!

"helping" Mommy clean the car

What I do all day

You love hanging out with your cousins

And you love Monkey Joes!

New Years Eve!

Yep... Mommy does this every chance she gets

You were a blast at Christmas!

You have started feeding your toys. 

And drawing on the walls.  Your first mural.

still messy.

First trip to the dentist

Facetime with Maddox

Your favorite Christmas present

helping Daddy in the kitchen

Chillin' out

With Great Grandma

Taking Ty for a ride

Ready to join the army

Not getting any better with your yogurt

Easter 2016

There are no words to describe my love for you but suffice it to say, you bring so much joy and happiness to our family.  We all love you so much Knox!  Happy 2nd (and 3 months) birthday!!!

Love,
Mommy