Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A Date Where Remembering is Due

One year ago today, I thought one of two things would have been happening. I would either be holding my very young twin boys, Joshua and Caleb, or I would be extremely pregnant sitting in Dr. Fenoughty's office begging her to get these boys out of me. Neither happened.

Instead I've just kissed my only living son on the forehead before daddy put him to bed. Things turned out much different than anticipated. I struggle with how I should feel today. I actually feared that I would forget what today was because I'm staying home with Case and don't pay too much attention to the date. I knew it was coming up but didn't realize what today's date was until another angel mommy reminded me. Am I sad? I have no idea how to be sad when I look at Case's smiling face each day. Do I miss Joshua and Caleb? Absolutely! It's difficult to wrap my mind around my feelings.

I can't imagine life with Joshua and Caleb, especially now that I have Case. When I was pregnant with the them, Wayne and I always said it was best we were having twins first because we wouldn't know any better. Now we know better and I can't imagine how much more difficult it would have been.

I'm so grateful for the gift that Joshua and Caleb are to me even though I don't get to kiss them goodnight. They've changed me. They've brought me closer...closer to God...closer to my husband... closer to so many wonderful friends that have walked a similar path. Their short lives served the purpose God had for them. God never planned to let me keep my boys. He never planned for me to make it to my due date. He never planned to give me the opportunity to hold them while they were still alive. He had a different purpose for them and it didn't require them to walk on this earth. It didn't require a ritual goodnight kiss from their momma. It's a purpose that others may not understand. I know I haven't attained a complete understanding but God continues to bless me with reminders of their purpose all the time. Every time I see Case smile I'm reminded. Every time I receive a comment on my blog I'm reminded. Every time I see the over 30,000 hits on the video I made for the boys or read the heartfelt comments left on it, I'm reminded. Every time I walk by their quilt with their memory boxes beside it, I'm reminded. Every time I get to share in the sadness that others are feeling in their loss, I'm reminded. They're lives weren't an accident and while many probably don't think they counted as my children, to me they do.

God has blessed me in so many ways! My laughter is a gift that I wasn't sure I would ever get back after I lost them. Case is a gift I never thought I would hold after I lost them. The strength of my marriage is a gift I never thought I would have. The friendships with people I never would have crossed paths with are a gift I wouldn't even have fathomed. All I can say is I'm blessed. I'm blessed by what I've lost. I'm blessed by what I've gained.

Thank you Joshua and Caleb! Thank you God!

No comments: