One year ago today I had to say hello and goodbye
The day was wrapped with many questions of "Why?"
One year ago today my boys were silently born
The silence was deafening as my heart became torn
One year ago today only their lifeless bodies remained
No one on earth could leave this tragedy explained
One year ago today my boys went home to be with our Lord
They sit at their birthday table today surrounded by His reward
Joshua and Caleb were born one year ago today. I haven't spent the last few days scurrying around finalizing the details on their first birthday party. I'm not spending the day surrounded by friends and family gathered to watch them eat their first birthday cake. I'm not sitting here wondering how on earth I will get that blue icing washed out of their hair. I don't get to do these things because they came silently into this world but left a great impact behind. Their short lives, although lived entirely within me, taught us so much! They taught us the value of family and taught us to love in a way we never knew. We miss them terribly but are so comforted in knowing that they have already begun their eternity with our Lord and Savior. We have the hope of seeing them again. The day will come when we will be forever reunited as a family in Heaven.
I'm not sure what has been harder. Has it been today or the few days leading up to this day? I will say the tears have come easily lately. It's a difficult position to be in. On one hand I want so badly to be surrounded by family at their first birthday party but if we were I wouldn't be carrying Case today. This is another reason I'm grateful to God's endless power. He made this decision for us because He knows what is best. Everything that has happened over the past year has drawn me SO much closer to God. Looking back I see so many blessings that Joshua and Caleb's short lives have brought. We'll never understand why things turned out the way they did but we will choose to recognize the wonderful friendships, support, appreciation of God's miracles, and the love that have come from Joshua and Caleb's lives.
Today we spent the afternoon at the barn (right next to the cemetery where the boys are buried). It was rainy most of the morning and we thought leaving in early afternoon might be our only opportunity for dry weather, however the rain pretty much stopped for the rest of the day once we got out there. Just another gift that God gave us. My mom and dad came out too. Part of me was dreading walking over to the cemetery even though I've been there so many times before. The sadness was pretty overwhelming this morning but once I got there God gave me comfort and peace. We took the gifts we received in memory of the boys' birthday and took lots of pictures. We decorated with new flowers and birthday balloons.
We received two deliveries this weekend. The first was from my brother and his wife. They sent us some beautiful fall colored flowers with a very touching card attached. They are very supportive and so good to us.
The second delivery was from Summer and Brandon. Summer is another mommy that I met online. We hit it off immediately and have been exchanging emails ever since she lost her little boy, also named Caleb. She clearly has good taste too... that must be one reason we get along so well. We've met in person a couple of times but talk through email and texting a lot. Theirs was an unexpected gift but so touching! I'm so blessed by Summers friendship. She always understands how I'm feeling and gives me so much encouragement through her own thoughts and reminders from scripture.
My mom and dad also brought some beautiful flowers to put on Joshua and Caleb's grave. They were perfect! I had wanted to find a bear to leave for each of them but the dollar store (my boys would expect nothing less from their extremely cheap mommy) didn't have any that I found acceptable so I didn't buy any. As usually though, mom and dad came through. The flowers were perfect and had two perfect little blue bears attached. My parents have been SO amazing throughout this past year. They do so many things to let us know that they remember and are always thinking about Joshua and Caleb. They are amazing grandparents and I can't wait for the days they actually get to watch their grandchildren grow. This year hasn't been easy for them either! They've watched us jump over many of these hurdles and been their to help us with each step, even when it seemed like we couldn't take another one.
After we decorated Joshua and Caleb's grave we had a small cookout and birthday cake. Again my parents didn't seem to think (or at least let on that they thought) any of it was weird.
I'll say that getting over the one year mark is definitely bittersweet. I know the world will remember Joshua and Caleb less and less but I will do all that I can to keep the memory of them alive by helping others. No matter how quickly the world moves on, Wayne and I will never forget these two precious lives that have left us forever changed. We'll never forget the blessings that our faithful Father has given us.