Dear Joshua and Caleb,
10 years. 10 years since I held you in my hands. 10 years since our world was shattered into pieces. As I sit here staring at this blank page, I wonder if after ten years I’ve already said everything there is to say. And I probably have but if you love someone and miss them can you possibly tell them too many times? Still, I wonder, Is our loss relevant enough to still bring hope to those with a more recent loss? Should I still feel like a piece of me is missing? Should it still feel like there’s a part of my life that will always feel a little bit shaken? Should I still immediately feel fear wash over me when someone I care about tells me they’re pregnant? Should I still feel like I can’t breathe when I hear that someone has lost a baby? Should I still live in fear that something terrible is going to happen to one of your brothers or your daddy? I don’t know the answers to any of these things but I do know that I still feel like something is missing from this life; I still feel fear and I still feel worry. But I also feel contentment and calm. It doesn’t make sense to feel both but here I am.
God doesn’t take away my worry that something terrible will happen to one of your brothers or your Daddy, but He does remind me what He has already carried me through. He reminds me that no matter what, He is here and He will be there. He will carry me through every single trial no matter how big or small. No matter how much it rocks my world or interferes with my plans. That brings me calm and peace in the midst of fear and worry. Statistically, stillbirth happens more than people know but statistically, it’s still a very small percentage of people that walk this walk. After being pregnant 7 times, with 8 babies, with only three of them living, the percentage gets even smaller. And with all of the circumstances being different each time it’s even smaller still. It takes my head to a place of “We’ve faced all of these special circumstances, what’s next?” That’s when I start to worry so much about Case, Ty, Knox, and Daddy. I start to worry that I couldn’t bear to lose one of them. But then God. He steps in. He tells me I wouldn’t have to bear it, because He would.
You have been a constant reminder that my plans are not His plans. I am so grateful that the One that knows the beginning and the end and every seemingly insignificant detail in between, is the one who is truly in charge of my plans. Do I still miss you? Yes. Absolutely. Nothing will ever feel totally settled because you aren’t here. But God has carried me through 10 years without you. He has given me the gift of remembering you without the weight of a thousand bricks on my chest. He has given me the ability to go back to that day. To see how tiny you were in my hands. To see the tears from everyone that loved you so much. To see the raw emotion of that night we spent with you. But he also allows me to feel the love that surrounded you and me and Daddy. He reminds me of the beauty in our pain. We were broken, but still carried. He put us back together one piece, sometimes one second, at a time. We never walked a step without Him, even when tried to.
It's so hard not to think of what your 10th birthday would have been like though. 10 is a BIG deal in our family! Two-digit numbers need to be celebrated in a big way. These are the memories that I looked forward to the minute I found out I was pregnant and even more so the minute I found out there were two of you. These are the big moments that I miss. The big moments that I can only imagine. Would you have shared friends or each had your own? What kind of party would you want? Game truck? Lego party? Sleepover or a couple hours with friends? Chocolate cake or vanilla? How many arguments would we have over the matching birthday shirts I made you or the number of friends you could invite? Man, I would love to make these memories with you! Then I get the best three hugs from Case at bedtime and I know that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. I know that your brothers are here because you’re not. And while I don’t get to celebrate your 10th birthday with you our world is exactly how it was meant to be. I get all of you, just in different ways.
Another thing that is surprisingly still hard after 10 years? I still don’t know how to answer the question, “How many kids do you have?”. I know how I want to answer it but I rarely do it that way. I usually say “I have three boys.” At that point, I almost always get, “Oh boy! I bet you are busy!” That’s when I really want to say, “But there’s more! There were FIVE of them!” I want to say, “I have three awesome, crazy boys that I get to kiss goodnight and I have two more that I only wish I could.” Sometimes I tell people about you when I first meet them and I’m almost always glad I did. I have met some pretty awesome people below the surface that would have otherwise just been superficial meetings. I wonder how many opportunities I’ve missed by not sharing you with the world.
Well, my page is now far from blank, so I guess there was more for me to say. Will there be next year? I have no idea but whether my page remains blank or not please know that I still miss you and love you more than I could ever say even if I wrote a million pages. Please know how grateful I am for the legacy you left behind, for the clarity you have given me and for the beautiful people you’ve brought into my life. I love you always, my forever babies!
Love,
Mommy
The weather app I looked at last night and this morning said there was an 80% chance of rain from about 2:00 on. Case, Ty, and Knox had dentist appointments at noon so we took the afternoon and headed to the cemetery. It didn't rain a drop until we left. It was another beautiful day at the cemetery. When I drive there I wish they weren't so far away but when I get there I just love it so much. The drive is totally worth it. We left the cemetery and went to see Christopher Robin. It was a great movie. The boys thought it was great to go chair hopping throughout because we were the only ones in the theater. I love these moments when we can sneak away from reality as a family.
 |
| Mom went out and decorated their headstone yesterday. She did a way better job than I usually do! |
 |
| My whole world in one picture |
 |
| All my babies in one place |
 |
| My Crew |
 |
| I guess she misunderstood how to spell Caleb. Oh well! It was still good! |
And we came home to these beautiful flowers! I seriously have the best family ever! It does my heart good to know that Joshua and Caleb live on in my family too!
 |
| Butter = Molly (long story) Madman = Maddox |
