Happy 5th Birthday Joshua and Caleb

Dear Joshua and Caleb,
5 years.  That's how long it's been since I held you.  I can't fathom how that much time has passed already.  I miss you.  Still.  It doesn't cripple me but I do miss you.  It's just a tug every now and then that reminds me that my world is incomplete.  I am so conflicted about wishing you were here.  Does that mean I wouldn't have Case and Ty?  I wish there was a way I could have you all here with me.  I sometimes, especially on your birthday each year, get lost in how different my life would be if I could have all four of my boys here with me.

I can only imagine the sounds of two more little boy voices playing in the playroom while I am busy in the kitchen.  Oh how sweet that sound would be!  Of course I'm also very realistic.  I know playing would most likely turn into fighting and arguing, probably even quicker than it already does.  My gray hair and wrinkles would probably multiply at an alarming rate but oh how worth it that would be!  I would just love to see who you boys would have become by now if you were with us today.  I wonder what your birthday party theme would be.  Spiderman?  Transformers?  Would you agree on one or would we have to have a half and half party?  I sure do wish I could trade decorating your headstone for putting the finishing touches on your birthday party.

You had a purpose much bigger than 5th birthday parties though.  Your lives were part of God's plan.  He used you to touch so many lives.  He used you to help other mommas that lost their babies.  He used you to remind me what a blessing Case and Ty-Ty are.  He used you to bring many special people into our life.  These are just the things I know.  God is much bigger than what I know so He definitely used you for so much more.

Sometimes I worry that the world is forgetting you and maybe they are.  I even have a reminder in my calendar.  Isn't that silly?  I don't know how I could possibly forget but just in case that happens I want to make sure this day never passes without your daddy and me stopping to think of you and all the gifts you left behind for us.

We didn't forget you today though.  Daddy, Case, Ty and I went to visit your grave today.  I still look at your headstone and think it's the prettiest one in the whole graveyard.  I guess that's typical mom thinking.  Case and Ty don't understand any of this and Daddy and I haven't spent a lot of time explaining you to them.  Case thinks the cemetery is full of "signs with words".  We've tried to explain it a little bit to them and they know your "sign" is the most important one in the graveyard to us but it isn't time for them to really understand yet.  That day is still pretty far off but in the meantime I enjoy the moments we can all be there.  Together.  Or at least as "together" as we can be here on earth.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't visit more often to make sure your grave is Pintrest ready for each holiday.  Then God reminds me.  You have Him.  He is so much more than I can even comprehend and He knows I'm not Pintrest ready for anything anyways.  Today we were there though and your site is decorated.  Case did most of it!

It's funny.  Uncle Ben's and Aunt CoCo's barn is right next door to your cemetery.  Every time we go to the barn, the first thing Case wants to do is ride the ATV to the cemetery.  Not just go for a ride but a ride to the cemetery.  Maybe I read too much into that but I know he likes it there and it makes my heart smile.  I don't want Case and Ty to grow up afraid of cemeteries, especially not yours.  I bought two little jets to leave on your headstone today.  Case and Ty were obsessed with them and could not wait to get them out of the package.  Once I saw how much they liked them I told them they didn't have to leave them behind.  I know those jets aren't important to you.  I thought they both brought them home but Daddy told me Case left his on your headstone at the last minute.  Again, probably reading too much into it but it made me smile nonetheless.  Ty on the other hand?  Well he brought his home.  :)

So as another year without you ends.  I want you to know I haven't forgotten you.  I haven't forgotten all that you taught me.  I am frequently reminded of how blessed I am to be able to hold your brothers in my arms and to kiss them on the forehead.  I'm reminded of what a blessing it is to go into their rooms at night just to make sure they are covered up or to hold them if they've woken up from a bad dream.  I'm blessed.  I'm grateful.  I haven't forgotten.  I pray that your party in Heaven today is way more amazing than any half and half party I would have thrown together here.  I love you my sweet forever babies.  Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mommy