Dear Joshua and Caleb,
I seem to write letters to your brothers on their birthdays so I see it only fair that I write to you on your birthday. It has been 4 years since you were born. Time has gone so fast and so much has happened since that day. I was a teacher but I left that job after you went home to be with Jesus. The day you were I traded in my grade books and lesson plans for the job of "mom". Mine wasn't the typical "mom" job yet. Sure I was still responsible for a house but you boys weren't there making that job harder than it should be. You weren't there keeping me up all hours of the night eating and crying. You weren't there spitting up on my clothes or making me giggle as I watched you reach new milestones. You were there in my heart though. My very broken heart. You did keep me up all hours of the night with the thoughts and what ifs of everything that would have been different if you were still with me. God brought me through those nights, just like He did every trial before and after you boys.
God brought me comfort that only God can provide. He gave me the gift of your Daddy, who let me cry and cry and cry with no judgement and without rushing me through my thoughts of you. God brought me friends and family that checked on me often and sent flowers and cards. Friends that still remember to send me a message on this day every single year.
This day four years ago was the hardest day I've ever had yet it was the start of my job as a mom and I wouldn't trade any of the things that happened. You boys taught me to love differently. Your brothers, Case and Ty, have a mom that understands how precious they are and how differently things could have ended with them. A mom that understands the pain that's left behind when you gain friends in heaven that never lived here with their families. You were part of God's plan. You did everything God brought you here to do. Your time was short but your impact was timeless.
You've reached people all over the world. It amazes me to see how God has used you to comfort others. Today your video on Youtube has reached over 169,000 people. 169,000 people!
Your website still gets hits daily and I even get comments from people all over the world (some even in other languages) that I've never met every once in a while. What a great reminder those comments are. There are many people at the beginning of a very similar journey. My heart hurts for them but I know this journey, although traveled by few, can be such a gift if their thinking is right. I didn't make your website or your video thinking that it would reach so many people. I made it because that is how I kept your memory alive and it was part of the healing process for me. It was the only way I could think to do something for you but God had other plans for it. He has used it to let others know they aren't alone.
I could easily sit here and go back to your birthday 4 years ago. I could easily let those emotions take over again but I choose not to. I choose to look at the legacy that you left behind. I choose to see the wonderful friends your lives brought into mine. I choose to look at your pictures and remember how we could still see your Daddy's nose on you. I choose to breathe in the smell of your blankets. I choose to be happy that you are living a painless life with Jesus. I chose to be grateful that I have Case and Ty here to hold in my arms. You are in much better hands that you would be here. But, I will never stop loving you or remembering you. Thank you for the lives you've touched. Thank you for being my forever babies.
Love Always,
Mommy
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