Overwhelmed

I'm completely overwhelmed and I thought I needed to share it. This morning I found out that I will be admitted to the hospital at 4PM this afternoon to begin the induction so that we can bring Case into this world. I quickly posted on Facebook what the latest was and then I went to take a nap. When I woke up a couple hours later there were 17 comments on my post and 4 voicemails on my cell phone. I am totally overwhelmed by the love and support that God has surrounded us with. As I listened to the voicemails all I could do was fight the tears in my eyes. I am so blessed and I want the world to know it. God has given Wayne and I SO many gifts! I am just so grateful and completely unworthy! I don't know what else to say but thank you. Thank you for your love, suppport, encouragement, and especially your prayers! We are blessed beyond comprehension!

8:45 Appointment Update

This morning was little scary for me. I couldn't feel Case move right away this morning. It took A LOT of poking, proding, lectures from his father, juice drinking, and Pop-Tart eating, before he finally decided to wake up. It really scared me. We had an appointment at 8:45 this morning so I was anxious to make sure his heartbeat was normal since he was so slow to wake up. She checked and it was fine. I think we both just slept really well last night and he wasn't quite ready to stop.

She checked to see if I had dilated anymore and found that I was 3 on the outside of my cervix and 2 on the inside, or was it the other way around. I can't remember now. I had made some progress but not enough to wait until tomorrow to start the induction. She also saw some "bloody show" (forgive me if that is too much information but the ladies out there are going to know what I'm talking about). This was the first sign of that for me and since then I've had a little here and there.

She explained what will happen when I go in this afternoon. She said they will first watch the baby on the monitors for an hour to make sure he is strong enough for the induction. Then they will insert the cervidil tablets. This is the same way that I was induced when I had the boys but she said that was a much higher dose of cervidil. She said that it will most likely take a while for things to progress to active labor. She predicts Case will make his arrival around dinner time tomorrow. She told me she expected me not to go as quick as a second time mom but quicker than a first time mom. We'll find out exactly what that means as we see how everything plays out I guess.

More updates to come very soon :-)

39 Week Update

Here we are. 39 weeks and 4 days. I can honestly say that I'm still in amazement that we've made it here. So many times I've worried that we would lose Case like we lost Joshua and Caleb. Once we got over the 21 week mark, I realized that we might actually get to bring Case home. The pregnancy has gone so much quicker since then. I have actually enjoyed being pregnant. In fact I LOVE it!

We are now seeing that the end of this pregnancy is near and have a date where our little Case will, God willing, be in our arms. This is the date when I will no longer have to remind myself that I'm a mom but I'll actually get to act the part as well. I've longed for this day. I long for this day to come for all the moms that are still struggling with being the mom to a baby they can't hold.

I saw the doctor on Monday. I apologize for just now getting the update out. She said I had dilated to "2ish" but not much else had happened. At this point she left everything up to us. She said we have made it far enough that she's comfortable inducing anytime. Wayne and I really would rather let things happen naturally but are also very aware of her advice to not go past our due date. I asked her if she would be willing to do an ultrasound and hook me up to the ETS (contraction machine) to just verify that everything is fine and at that point we would give Case until his due date to come out on his own. She, as she always is, was great about agreeing to do the ultrasound and ETS. He looked great on the ultrasound. Fluid was good and placenta looked to be in tact (this is where my biggest fear lies because it is what took Joshua and Caleb from us). Brandi, my ultrasound tech, also commented on Case's chubby cheeks and pudgy nose. This thrills me! I love chubby baby cheeks!!! Her weight estimate, which she said can go 6 to 8 ounces either way, was 7 pounds 13 ounces. It is hard for me to fathom that something that big is still living inside of me. The ETS showed Cases heartbeat to be great and didn't show any contractions. With all that good news we were comfortable giving Case a few more days to make his appearance on his own. Without an induction the labor should be easier and shorter. If he doesn't come on his own we are scheduled for October 31st. Yes, we know that is Halloween, but that has been Case's due date from the get go. That is when he reaches the milestone of completing his 40 week journey. That is when we aren't willing to wait anymore due to the risk of stillbirth increasing. We think this is the best decision for us and for Case and the doctor was totally on board with it.

Another great point to having him on Saturday is that Marlena, the nurse we had with Joshua and Caleb, will be working; however she already told us it didn't matter when he came, she would be there. I don't get the feeling that he is coming on his own so I'm thinking Saturday will be the day. I will go back to the doctor on Friday morning and she will see if she needs to start the prostaglandin. If I haven't progressed enough then I will be admitted to the hospital Friday night in preparation of Saturday's induction. I won't know until Friday morning if this is necessary though.

As we draw so close to the end of this pregnancy I ask that you would please continue to keep us in your prayers. Please pray for Case's safe arrival and that he will be perfectly healthy. We are so excited to meet this little blessing that has already brought so much joy to our lives. We will keep you posted on how things are going via Facebook and my blog.

Thank you again for ALL your love and support over the last year! I am so blessed to know that there are so many people out there that care about and love us!!!!

38 Week Update

I had my 38 week check up this afternoon. I haven't changed since last week. I'm still effaced 50% and dilated to 1 cm. The doctor said I have until Wednesday to have this baby and then the window for having him is closed until she returns from her trip on Sunday, Oct. 25th. She said she has already told the nurses at the hospital that if I come in while she is gone they're not to treat me :-) She said she'd be back by supper time on Sunday so anytime after that is fine. I think Wayne was a little disappointed that Case isn't coming this week (unless there are a lot of changes in the next couple of days).

Since I haven't dilated anymore she doesn't think inducing me is necessary. She thinks I'll make it until she gets back. I'm scheduled to see her again on Monday, Oct. 26 and she said at that appointment we'll need to schedule a date for an induction. She is on call next weekend and Marlena (MY nurse) works on the weekends so if I don't go on my own next week we may be looking at a Halloween induction. I would love to be surrounded by MY nurse and MY doctor when Case is born (I'm not sure they know that they belong to me but they do). She said she would only let me go past my due date if that is what I chose, at which point she would hook me up to the ETS (contraction machine) and do another ultrasound to check my fluid. She said she'd rather I not go past my due date though because the risk of stillbirth goes up after 40 weeks. I'm not looking to increase those odds so we're having this baby Halloween or before.

I felt a little wave of panic when I thought of carrying him for 2 more weeks. I don't want to risk losing him but I also want to make sure he is "done". I feel like at this point in the pregnancy there is a fine line and I'm not sure on which side of it I should be standing. I am just going to continue to pray that God will watch over Case and keep him growing healthy. My trust will continue to be in Him and although worry sometimes enters my mind, I will do my best to keep a "vertical" focus. I will continue to remind myself that my body, nor Case, nor my doctor are in control. Control belongs to God and I'm grateful it does.

With a Halloween due date I get a lot of comments. Some think it's fun that he's due on Halloween, others, usually those that don't celebrate Halloween, seem to cringe a bit and say something like "maybe he'll come before or after the 31st," to which I say, "I don't care when he is born as long as he is healthy." It is my opinion that Halloween is just another day on the calendar. So kids dress up and get candy...I'm not sure I understand the harm in that. Yes I know there are some that look at this as the "Devil's Holiday" but I think that is only if you chose to celebrate it that way. I can tell you that I've enjoyed Halloween since I was a child and never once have I found myself worshiping the devil on any of these occasions. I have found myself having lots of fun with friends and family and perhaps eaten WAY too much candy though. I think we have to keep things in perspective. It doesn't bother me that people don't celebrate Halloween. That is completely their choice and if something in their conscience tells them they shouldn't then its good that they follow that.

37 Week Update

Here's the 37 week scoop...
I saw the doctor again today to see if I had progressed any since last week (at that point I was just 25% effaced). I have made quite a bit of progress in one week. I have now effaced to 50% and I've dilated to 1. She said she could feel his head and she has very short hands so that means he has dropped. Now it still doesn't put a date on when Case will join us but I'm definitely getting closer. I asked her if I should be having contractions and she said I probably have had some to get dilated to 1 and if she hooked me up to the contraction machine again she'd probably see some but she didn't think it was weird that I hadn't felt them. She said I won't make it to 3 without knowing it though so I guess I will know whether anything else is happening based on whether I start feeling the contractions.

My fear at this point continues to be that all this could go down when my doctor is out of town (22nd-25th). I REALLY want her to be there!!! We talked about it again and she said that if I have dilated to 3 by Monday we would talk about inducing before she left because that would put me near that "Bishop" score of 7 or 8. The Bishop Score is figured based on effacement, dilation, and other scores. She said my dilating to a 3 could get me there. So there is a possibility Case will be here sooner than I thought. I was kind of thinking after the last appointment that we'd make it to the 31st. Now I'm not so sure. I'm ready whenever he is ready to come out healthy.

I did test positive for strep B, which means nothing more than I will have to have antibiotics when I go in to deliver. The concern without the antibiotic is that as babies pass through the birth canal they can develop meningitis if the mother is a carrier of the virus. 3 out of 5 women test positive for it and it's no big deal other than they'll be sure to give me the antibiotics at the hospital.

Mom was with me at this appointment again. I'm so glad she can go when Wayne can't! She thought to ask about the flu vaccine. The doctor said Wayne had to get both the seasonal and the H1N1 in order to protect Case. That's our only defense for him since he can't be vaccinated. Wayne has never had a flu shot, as he thinks he is invincible but for his baby Case he decided to comply. He went to Meijer first for his seasonal vaccine and then to CVS for the H1N1 mist. All in one day he's prepared...if you know Wayne this won't surprise you. He's like a boy scout! I haven't even gotten my H1N1 yet. I'll get mine on Monday because I can't get the mist since it is a live virus. I have to wait for the vaccination, which my doctor will have Friday. By Monday we should both be prepared!

Thank you for the continued prayers. We are definitely getting closer to bringing Case into this world but we know God is the One with the power. We will continue to trust in Him because only He knows what is best for Case and for us.

I'll see the doctor again on Monday so we'll see where we are at that point. More updates to come as I have news to share.

He's My Son

I've mentioned it before but different music defines different points in my life. There are a lot of songs that define the loss of my twin boys Joshua and Caleb but I've recently come across another song. I don't think it was the first time I had heard it but I quickly had to catch my breath because it took me right back. It took me back to the time between when we found through ultrasound they had died but hadn't delivered them yet. I have to admit there was still that tiny spark of hope in the back of my mind that said, "what if they're wrong?" What if Joshua and Caleb are ok? God is a healer. He can raise the dead. All I wanted was to hear them cry when they were delivered the next day. I prayed. I prayed that they were wrong and this song takes me back to that night.

I went to search for a video to post that went with this song and I found it, but I found something else as well. It wasn't a YouTube video of just the song but it was a message. It was the song and how it pertained to Jesus. I was reminded of the sacrifice Jesus made for me and for my sins. Someone put this song to a video from the eyes of Mary, watching her son die. I'm reminded of just how powerful our God is! I'm reminded of His love and how there is nothing He won't carry me through.

The song is He's My Son by Mark Shultz and here is the video:

Not in a Hurry

I can't figure it out. It seems like most people get to this point in a pregnancy and can't wait to have their baby. I'm still LOVING being pregnant. I still have my moments of worry but I know those aren't going to magically disappear after Case is born. I know there are just as many, if not many more, terrible things that can happen once he's here. On the outside, he isn't safe under my care at every second. Right now I still feel so good. I can only attribute that to God giving me the gift of an easy and comfortable pregnancy. Everyday I get to look down and see my belly, which oddly enough I love more today than when I'm not pregnant. I guess it's because there's a reason it's big right now and there's no excuse the other times. I get to feel Case move around inside of me. I can't even explain that feeling! It is quite possibly the most amazing thing I've ever felt. It has been fun to watch him change just in how he moves. Earlier in the pregnancy it felt different than it does now. Now it is almost like I can picture him moving inside me now. It is just such a fantastic feeling. I sometimes feel guilty that Wayne doesn't get to feel what I'm feeling, of course if you ask him he'd probably say he does because I constantly put his hand on my belly to feel him. Wayne's a good sport...he always plays along.

Tomorrow I will find out if I have made anymore progress. I'm anxious to see if my body is doing what it is supposed to do on its own. There are so many unknowns at this point. The controlling planner inside of me wants to have a date on the calendar that tells me what date Case will be born but my faith tells me I just need to trust God. I will be done working on Friday and I'm hoping there will be at least a few days to get the last minute things done before his arrival. Time will tell but I'm not in a hurry.

36 Week Update

As of tomorrow I will officially be 36 weeks pregnant. I had an appointment today and have lots of updates. The appointment started with being hooked up to the "contraction machine"(I can never remember if it is the ETS or EST machine so we'll go with "contraction machine"). Mom was with me at this appointment because Wayne couldn't be there. I haven't been hooked up to this machine since the day before we lost the boys and on the day I was hooked up to it they found Joshua's heartbeat briefly but never found Caleb's. They blamed it on them being so little and still moving around so much but little did we know at the time it was because Caleb had already died. So today I had an "almost meltdown" when they couldn't immediately find Case's heartbeat. It took her several tries before she located him. God was good though and she eventually found him. Of course I had to replace my heart into its correct cavity because it had crawled up into my throat at that point. He moved around a lot during this part. I'm not thinking he is a big fan of the invasion of his space. I wasn't have any contractions so everything looked great!

Next we had another ultrasound. She confirmed that he is in the head down position but he is still turning over onto his sides so he isn't facing my back permanently yet...he's just to busy to stay in one place still, which is fine with me because I LOVE feeling him move around. He was measuring 5lbs 11oz, which puts him right on track. She said my placenta looks great and that there are no spots where it was pulling away or anything. She showed me how it was connected all the way across. I was VERY happy to see that. She was unable to measure my cervix because his head was in the way but my fluid looked great. We could even see his diaphragm going up and down where he was "pracitcing" breathing. It was very cool!

The next appointment was with my doctor where she did the Strep B test. She explained that 2/3 of women are carriers of this and that it can cause menegitis in babies as they pass through the vagina during delivery. They tested to see if I am a carrier. If I am then I will have IV antibiotics during deilvery to protect Case. I won't know until my next apointment whether this will be necassary or not. She also did an exam to see if I have begun to progress at all. She said I'm about 25% effaced and that my cervix seems to have thinned out but that it is still closed. She said that's right where she expected me to be at this point. We most likely, looking at today's exam, won't have to be induced early. She thinks I might potentially make it to my due date. I hope Cases makes his enterance on his own because I think that is safer and she confirmed that. It will be a quicker delivery if she doesn't have to induce me. From now on I will see her every week and she will do an exam each time to see where I am. She agreed that stopping work on October 16th would be best because then I could take it easy that week to hopefully prevent active labor starting while she is out of town from the 19th to the 25th. I'm not wanting to do this without her being there so I'll do whatever it takes. I also got my flu shot while I was there today and will be getting the H1N1 as soon as they get it in, which should be in the next few weeks.

It was just another day full of God's blessings. I continue to be overwhelmed by His grace and love. I have enjoyed this pregnancy SO much and I know that can only be attributed to His comfort and peace surrounding me!

99%

"Ninety-nine percent of babies born now survive without any major problems."

This is a quote from the week 35 description in the The Pregnancy Bible. While I did find this comforting, I still have that nagging feeling that they only survive if you find out something is wrong in time. With Joshua and Caleb we had no idea there was anything wrong until they had already died in utero. That is what scares me. I still find myself struggling with the fear that I could miss the signs or not realize I hadn't felt him move and it could be too late. Sure the statistics are good but if it's too late then it's too late. This is just one of those struggles that I will continue to pray about and I will turn to God for the comfort and peace that only He can give me. It's the comfort and peace that I'm not going to find in any book. I will continue to praise him even through my moments of worry because I have SO much to be grateful for!