To my Forever Babies,
It’s been 4 years since my last letter to you. I guess that is proof that life has continued. And we’ve been living it. The sadness is still there if I look for it but it no longer prevents me from living this life God has blessed me with.
Somehow it has been 14 years since the day you were born. 14 years since I got to hold you. The years show on your headstone. I keep thinking how terrible it is that I haven’t kept your headstone clean. I’m sure it wouldn’t come as a shock to anyone that knows me well, that I have mom guilt, even with the two boys I never got to mother. I’m not gifted at much, but mom guilt I can do!
I needed today. God knew. I didn’t think I would get to come visit you today because our schedule was packed tonight and I teach on Tuesdays, but by His providence, I ended up with the afternoon off.
I stopped for some decorations for your headstone on my way out to the cemetery. I bought you some cupcakes and a 1 and a 4 candle. As I checked out the cashier said, are they turning 14 or 41? It kind of took my breath away. I know he said “they” since he didn’t know, boy or girl, but I heard “they” because you’re twins. I didn’t tell him you were gone. I just said “14”. I didn’t catch every word that followed because for a minute you were still alive and it’s all I could think about. You were real. He said something about what a big year 14 is and how close to driving you are. I think I mumbled something about how fast it goes. It was the most “normal” conversation I’ve ever had about you. I would have been quite so happy to just spend a little more time in that moment with that cashier and that conversation, but that may have gotten awkward real quick. So instead I grabbed my bags and left, feeling grateful for that moment in time where you were alive.
Now here I sit at the foot of your grave. I needed to be with you today. I’ve always come here with your brothers and Daddy. Today it’s just me because that’s how our schedule worked out. It’s so quiet and so peaceful here. I remember why we chose this spot for you. I question it each time I make the drive but then I get here and it all makes sense.
I miss you everyday but today… today just feels more. I’m sure it’s the solitude and quiet that has brought it to the surface more than normal. But in the sadness I also feel calm. This wasn’t a surprise ending to God. This was your path. It was our path and as much as I’d give to walk it alongside you, I’m content. I’m grateful for the brief time we had together. I’m grateful for all that you taught me. I’m grateful for the lives that have crossed paths with mine, because of you. Most of all, I’m grateful that I got to be your momma.
I hope God reminds you today how much I love you. When God says it’s time, we will be together again. Until then, I’m going to hug your brothers a little tighter (they will be thrilled😁). I love you Joshua and Caleb Johnston!
Love always and forever,
Mommy (yes, I know there’s no way you’d still be calling me mommy at 14, but you’re not here, so I get to pick😁)
P.S. I will be back soon with the headstone cleaner!
